Surviving Narcissism

Get Some Help

Get some help.

Oh, I know you think you don’t need help. I know you think the problem lies with everyone else. I know you think that you have life figured out and the rest of us have to catch up.

I know of your childhood. I know it was awful. Someone – your mom or dad – had you believing you weren’t good enough. In order to survive, you pretended to be good enough. You created an image of some kid you thought your parents wanted you to be. Or you created a self that was tough, impenetrable and cavalier so as to protect yourself. At the end of each school year, more and more layers were added to this image.

By the time you graduated, you couldn’t wait to get out of their house. You had survived, but you forgot who you were. You packed your bags – the clothes belonging to the guy you created – and your ways of behaving, and you left to start your adult life. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Stories — 6 comments
24
Aug 13

Born With Fine Wings

She was born with wings – just like everyone else in the forest. Like theirs, her new wings were tender, fragile and craving the warmth of the sun.

In those first few years, she’d been fortunate enough to dance in the sun on the light side of the forest. She didn’t spend a lot of time on the light side, but when she was there, she felt her wings stretch and reach and show their splendor. She would crave that joyful feeling her whole life.

Most days she could be found tiptoeing under mushrooms on the dark side of the forest. She kept her wings folded close to her back. When her wings were tucked in, she felt protected and safe from harm.

When she wasn’t exploring under mushrooms, collecting rocks or planting seeds, she would venture out to see what she could see. There she would find others – some with wings tucked in, and others with their wings spread. Those with spread wings moved about talking of the shapes of mushrooms or the colors of moss or the mess of pine needles covering the forest floor. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 comments
20
Aug 13

Only If You Dare

Invite the narcissist in your life to go to the movie you’ve been waiting all summer to see, but only if you dare. If it isn’t his idea, he won’t like the movie, and he won’t spare your feelings by pretending to like the movie. He’ll exit the theater, after sleeping through most of the film, and say something like, “Yeah, this was one of those movies.” Those movies aren’t on his list – his master list of all things approved by him.

Tell the narcissist in your life that you’ve grown two inches this summer and that you are running out of jeans, but only if you dare. He may agree to take you shopping, but not to the places you like. He won’t mince words when telling you which jeans he likes, and which jeans he hates. He never likes the jeans you like. He will look at your little sister and say,”Where’d you get that top?” When your sister tells him the name of the shop, he’ll shrug his shoulders as if to say, “No wonder.”

You will come home with new jeans that you don’t want.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 4 comments
13
Aug 13

A Page From a Thriver’s Life

She sips coffee under the Sumacs (that he would never let her grow) while the cat (that he would not let her have) rubs against her ankles.

She has the whole glorious day ahead of her. She will skip breakfast if she wants. She’ll read, before chores, from a book that was on her own reading list.

She could fry up potatoes with onions and peppers and add too much cumin seed and spill too much salsa on too much cheese and not give a second thought to carbs.

She’ll walk when she wants, where she wants, for as long as she wants.

Or she won’t walk at all. Continue reading →

Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 6 comments
07
Aug 13

If No One Told You How To Create

If they didn’t tell you that you can’t make a tiny mermaid out of fabric, what would you create?

If they didn’t tell you that skies are always blue and trees are always green, how would you draw them?

If you hadn’t been force-fed their rules, how would you play the game?

Continue reading →

Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 4 comments
02
Aug 13

On Self-Improvement

He’s running across the yard with a huge grin on his face. “Mom! It’s 20 yards from the road. I made it that far! Pretty soon I’ll be hitting the road.”

“Bud, that’s awesome! Ah…. you might have to find a new place to hit from. That could get ugly if you hit a car.”

“I know, but can we pace it off? Can we see how far I’m hitting ’em?”

I grab my coffee and he’s still holding on to his driver when we start counting our paces across the park. We walk over irrigation sprinklers that create patchworks of green on an otherwise brown landscape. We side-step thistle and the party favors left by the neighborhood dogs. I’m counting out loud as we go.

We get to his ball when I reach 238 paces. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 comments
30
Jul 13

You’ll Get There

One day you’ll be sitting at your computer and you’ll open your inbox.

You’ll see your ex-husband’s name and you’ll think, “Crap!”

You’ll take a sip of coffee and think to yourself, “Geez, this day started out so well. It’s not too hot out this morning. The coffee’s excellent. The kids are still sleeping and I have a bit of time to gather myself for the day. And then this – an email from him.”

“Damn.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations — 11 comments
22
Jul 13

On Goddesses, Full Moons and the Wisdom of a 10 Year Old

We were walking to the park. The day’s heat was turning into the moist cool of night. “So… that was probably the longest phone call you’ve had with your dad in as long as I can remember?”

“Yeah. Whew! A lot… of questions.”

“Well… what do you think?”

“What I am supposed to think?”

“I said that wrong. How do you feel?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 4 comments
17
Jul 13

A Survivor’s Cheat Sheet

The green index card in my purse is my backbone fortifier. The card contains notes on how to handle verbal attacks. A friend on Twitter sent me a link to Martha Beck’s post on the subject. I had to create a short-hand version of Martha’s approach so as to fit it on one side of the card. I wanted a quick cheat sheet to refer to when necessary.

(No, I haven’t actually pulled the card out in front of an attacker. Not yet.)

I refer to this card when I’m standing in line at the grocery store. I re-read this card when I’m in the parking lot waiting for Will to finish 18 holes. Looking in my purse to find chapstick, I see the green of the card and I’m reminded of the key points.

Here’s the version that has helped me.

1. Fighting Stance. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — Comments Off
13
Jul 13

Passion-Driven

I whisper as I nudge his shoulder, “It’s 6:30, honey, time to get up.”

He rolls over to pull the covers over one shoulder, “Okay. I’ll get up in a second.”

I walk out to the kitchen and put some water on to boil. It’s hard for me to be up this early on a Saturday. I don’t know how an almost 15 year old does it.

This is his fourth day in a row.

As I sprinkle coffee into the filter, I can hear rustling coming from his bedroom. I marvel at the fact that most days, I don’t have to nudge him more than once.

He’s got it down to a system. He gets his clubs ready the night before. He lays his clothes out, gathers his wallet, phone and golf journal. In the morning, he needs enough time to shower and get dressed. I can be seen following him around nagging him to take another bite of bagel or drink more water.

We get in the car and we are off.

Depending on whether he golfs 9 or 18 or 27, I won’t hear from him again until he calls to tell me he’s on the tee box of his last hole. This from the boy whose hip has been connected to mine for 15 years. This from the boy who likes to know where I am at all times.

Golfing is his passion. When he’s golfing, he is in his zone. (When he’s not on a course, he’s practicing his swing, Googling other golfers’ swings, learning about new equipment or making a tee time.)

When he’s in his element, he isn’t worrying about what I’m doing, what’s for dinner, whether he has disappointed his dad, or what his sister might be getting that he isn’t getting.

When he is in his zone, he is free to be who he is without the influences of his life.

Who wouldn’t get out of bed at 6:30 on a Saturday to get to a place where you can feel like that?

Postcards From a Thriver — 12 comments
11
Jul 13

“There Might Be Mermaids!”

“There might be mermaids! Could there be? Why not?”

They’d been hiking around the park, hunting for grasshoppers. They kept hearing a whooshing sound. They gave up the hunt to follow the sound and discovered a mini waterfall spilling from the side of the hill.

They ran back down the hill to get me. “Mom! You’ve gotta see what we discovered! Come on!”

As we hiked the hill, I noticed the expanse of greener grass that had been watered by the spill. It spread down the hill like a lush blanket.

When we arrived at the point of discovery*, their imaginations took flight.

“Well there could be mermaids down there. The water is cool and clear. They like that kind of water.”

“Let’s call grandpa! He’s gotta see this!”

“There is so much water every where! Can this be our discovery?”

They were excited and pleased with what they hoped they were the first to see. They imagined all possible and impossible explanations.

We stood in the sun and watched the park drink up the sparkling pools of water.

For 60 minutes, I forgot about laundry, dirty dishes, weeds in the garden and to-do lists. For one whole lovely hour I was a kid who believed in the unbelievable.

There could be mermaids or pots of gold under rainbows or unicorns or charming princes.

There could be _________________________.

You fill in the blank with whatever it is that makes your day brighter – even if for only a minute.

*It turns out the source was a broken irrigation line, but it was fun imagining until reality set in.

Postcards From a Thriver is a new category on the blog.
Look for bright spots and examples of a thriving life.

Moving On / Random Observations / Stories — 4 comments
08
Jul 13

When The Narcissist Leaves

I’d only seen her a handful of times since college. She would come into town from the ranch and once in awhile our paths would cross. My kids were younger than hers. Her kids were stretching out in that teenage growth spurt phase. I never seemed to recognize them.

We’d compare notes on kids and life. Her life was foreign to me – ranch wife raising two kids while teaching in a one-room school and helping her husband as much as time would allow.

She had that outdoors look – lots of sun and wind and the way the elements make creases in places she didn’t like, but ways I envied.

One of the last times I saw her, the creases appeared deeper. Her eyes had lost their sparkle. She was beyond tired. I assumed she was exhausted from keeping up with teenagers, school work, ranch life and marriage.

She didn’t have time to chat. I didn’t ask any questions. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Random Observations / Stories — 12 comments
02
Jul 13

The EMBB – A New Category in the MBTI

“Here, let me turn down the radio. I didn’t hear that one.” We are driving down the main thoroughfare in town, heading to pick up Will at the golf course. It’s sunny and warm. We are in full-on summer mode – looking forward to running through the sprinkler and barbecue that evening. The smell of sunscreen wafts out the window as we make the next turn.

We haven’t had a dad visit in a few weeks.

Life is good.

Somebody stop the clock.

Please.

“What did you say?”

She flicks her long blonde braid off of one shoulder, lowers the window and sticks her arm out of the car. “Don’t you think there are EMBBs?”

“What are EMBBs?”

“Well, you know how you are an INFJ, I am an ITP* and Will is an ENFJ?”

“Yeah. Go on.”

We turn into the parking lot of the course and I am trying to figure out the letters. E has to be extrovert. I assume it’ll be something about her extroverted brother that is driving her nuts.

“EMBB is for Extroverted Meanie Bo Beanie.”

“Ha! That’s perfect! Do you think there might also be some IMBBs then?”

“Sure. They’re just a little quieter about their meanness.”

Parenting / Random Observations / Stories — 2 comments
29
Jun 13

When Your Best Is Good Enough

She was flitting from one to the other. She didn’t have time to look for worms. Many times they may have been given a bit of sand instead of a grub or a Chokecherry berry.

She was doing her best, and her best produced plump, tweeting, happy teenage Robins.

Between three squawking teenage kids, the momma Robin was moving fast. She’d barely get something in one beak, and a second beak was in her face. In their birdy language, they were saying, “Over hear!” “What about me?” “Can I have more?”

She obliged with tenderness and efficiency.

I spied them from a window. I watched as she flitted as if she’d never tire. I was so proud of her. She was focused on her most important job. I said, “Hey, you guys. I know what my next post will be about… ” Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 2 comments
25
Jun 13

The Journey

“”Honey, the mediation spa that you made out of popsicle sticks didn’t do so well in the storm last night. I love that thing. Would you mind getting the hot glue gun out and putting it back together?”