child of narcissist « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: child of narcissist

Child of Narcissist — 27 Comments
19
Aug 15

The Well-Versed Child of a Narcissist

The well-versed child of a narcissist knows never to get his hopes up. He grows up believing that it’s better never to count on people.

If he trusts at all, he’ll only trust a handful of folks. Often he’ll choose to trust only a few close friends instead of relations.

The well-versed child of a narcissist develops a wicked sense of humor. She’s been laughing at dysfunction since she was old enough to understand it.

She’s able to see what makes people tick. She knows who to stay away from, and who to develop relationships with, believing that her energy ought to be saved for a select group. She won’t have a lot of friends. She doesn’t want to risk being vulnerable. But for those in her inner circle, she’ll give her whole heart. Continue reading →

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 11

Toddlers are not easy to control. They are messy, busy, loud and curious. If the narcissist expects a toddler to be some sort of positive reflection of the image he’s trying to portray, he’ll have his work cut out for him.

That doesn’t mean the narcissist won’t try to get his toddler to be a perfect reflection of him.

She had come to terms with the fact that she would be parenting on her own. He had even said that everything having to do with the child was “her domain.” At first, she felt alone and resentful. She hadn’t signed up to do this all by herself. As time went on, though, she was too busy to feel any resentment. Besides, she rather liked focusing all her energies on the child. The interactions were joyful – something she hadn’t felt with the narcissist since the beginning.

But, as one might expect, the more she focused on the child, the angrier the narcissist became. When a narcissist is angry, he attempts to control. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Narcissist Quotes / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
28
Jun 15

The Wake Left by the Controller

Controllers aren’t always* aware that their actions leave lasting scars on those they are controlling. The controller is so focused on his desperate attempts at micromanaging his universe that he can’t see the destruction left in his wake.

The Controlled Wife

It’s a wonder she hasn’t been scooped up by Hollywood. Her efforts at applying makeup are Oscar-worthy. Because her husband appears to find joy in criticizing her appearance, her skillful makeup application has become an attempt at defending herself from further jabs. But, trying to please a husband who cannot be pleased is an exercise in futility.

Perhaps more importantly, her artistic way with cosmetics gives her a measure of control over her own existence. In this way, she has an area of her life that is free from his manipulations. It’s behind the safety of the locked bathroom door that she is finally able to breathe. She’s gotten fast with the application, so as to spare herself from his complaints about the amount of time she spends in the bathroom. The downfall of her obsession with cosmetics is that further anxiety is created by her need to hide any purchases from the controller. Continue reading →

Kids are People / Parenting — 4 Comments
30
Apr 15

Narcissist for a Day

Today I’m going to be a narcissist. I’m going to put myself first.

I need to get something done – for me. In order to do that, I need to put all your stuff aside.

You know I love you. Right? And all day long, while I’m making myself a priority, I’ll still be loving you. But – just for today – I need to make some progress on my* list.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Moving On / Parenting — 11 Comments
4
Apr 15

On Dating With Kids

“Okay you guys. What do you think? Any red flags? Let me have it.” (I’m not sure I can trust myself to see things clearly.)

Kids are like pets. They know who to steer clear of and who to trust – instinctively. Come to think of it, adults probably have those same instincts, but they long ago stopped listening to them – or at least I did.

Will laughed and immediately said, “No! No red flags. You’re kidding, right? Why?” Jen smiled and shook her head.

“Come on Jen, are you holding back? You can tell me. It’s okay.”

“No, mom, really. I don’t see anything.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool — 3 Comments
30
Mar 15

Keeping Our Heads Above Water

We are paddling like crazy and keeping our heads above water.

Barely.

We’ve been paddling through some expected stuff; and we’ve held our breath and maneuvered some unexpected stuff. The water has been pretty choppy lately.

To be fair, there have been some calm pools that allow us to float on our backs, feel the warmth of the sun, and catch our breath. The bitter and the sweet must be what they mean by balance?

When it comes to homeschool… ha! There are no better lessons than the ones that have been handed down lately. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 11 Comments
13
Feb 15

When Your Dad is a Bully

Dear Experts in Childhood Development,

I am divorced from my children’s father. You’ve told me over and over again that I’m not supposed to bad-mouth their father – especially to my kids. You have told me that if I do so, I’m also hurting my kids.

You also give me advice on how to handle bullies. I’ve learned that we are supposed to have open discussions at home about bullies and bullying behavior. You’ve said that in order to prevent bullying, we have to talk about it and call it what it is. You tell me that these conversations must happen in order to make the world a safer place for kids.

My kids’ dad is a bully – he’s a narcissistic bully – and yet you tell me I can’t call him any names.

I’m confused.

You encourage me to call the bullying kid on the playground a bully, but I’m not supposed to call their dad a disparaging name. Isn’t that a contradiction? Isn’t that creating more confusion around the whole issue of bullying. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes / Random Observations / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
26
Jan 15

On Eye Contact with a Narcissist

“I was watching your eye contact as you visited. That was weird. Your eyes were tearing up when he was talking to you, but it was a friendly conversation. What was that about?”

Jen wiped her eyes. “I can’t look at him without my eyes watering. It’s uncomfortable – not like I’m gonna cry, but more like my eyes hurt. So I pretend like I’ve got an eyelash in my eye and I keep rubbing them. It’s just really uncomfortable to keep my eyes on him for very long when he’s talking – or any time.”

I turned to Will, “What do you think?”

Will shook his head, “I feel the same way. It’s hard to look at him for long. Oh, and I feel myself getting anxious when I try to tell him something. Like I’m afraid he’ll criticize what I say, so I say it fast so I can get it over with, and then I sound like I’m slurring my words.”

I said, “Yeah, and then you open yourself up for more criticism.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 9 Comments
16
Jan 15

Confessions of An Ex-Facilitator

Will thought if we left a little later, the timing would be off and we wouldn’t run into him, but when we pulled into the parking lot, we saw him getting out of his car.

Crap.

In my optimistic, nothing-will-ruin-our-day voice I said, “It’s okay. He knew we were going to be here. He knows we don’t get to do a mid-week escape very often. He hasn’t asked to ski with us. This will all work out. Trust me.”

Will said, “I just wanna ski with you two today. We never get to ski just the three of us.”

I lifted a pair of skis to my shoulder and said, “It’ll work out.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People — Comments Off
23
Dec 14

When the Apple Falls Far From the Tree

“So mom… you know that movie we watched the other night – the one where the gal worked for that mean lady, and she was miserable, but she stayed working for her for three years?”

“I know which movie you mean.”

She mopped the last bite of pancake through the maple syrup. “Well, you can’t really complain if you’ve only invested a year. And if you’ve toughed it out for like three years, that seems the time to make a choice.”

“Yeah? Not sure where you’re going with this, but I’m listening.”

“But if you stick it out for 16 years, complaining all the way and continuing to be miserable, isn’t it your own fault for staying. At that point, do you have any right to complain about that jerky woman you’re working for?”

“I see what you mean. And as long as you remember that that also applies to relationships, you’ll have it all figured out.” I laughed, “It sounds like my work is done here.”

“I knew you were gonna say that!”

Thank you for reading here. I wish you quiet sparkles, warm hugs from those you love the most, peace by a fire with a good book in your lap, and an optimistic feeling about the new year.

Be well, friends, and Merry Christmas!

Child of Narcissist / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
4
Dec 14

You Might be a Narcissist

You might be a narcissist if you don’t know your kids.

You might be a narcissist if you haven’t seen them in their comfort zones, when they talk in silly voices and make each other laugh so hard they almost cry.

You might be a narcissist if you haven’t noticed how they hold their arms close to their sides to guard themselves from your criticisms.

You might be a narcissist if you don’t know how you hurt them when you dismiss them.

She won’t dance in front of you because she knows you’ll make fun of her.

He hasn’t told you about his Instagram account because you’ll tell him how to take pictures.

You only see them when they are perfect reflections of you, but that’s not who they are.

They do have people in their lives who really see them for who they are, but that wouldn’t occur to you.

You don’t even know that you don’t know your kids.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
30
Nov 14

It’s About Him

“It’s about him, honey.”

“But I feel sorry for him. He’s all by himself on Thanksgiving. How come he didn’t call us?”

“Well, he made a series of choices that brought him to the point where he’s alone on Thanksgiving. I understand that you feel sorry for him. You’ve got the kindest heart. Don’t let feeling sorry for him make you feel guilty – like there’s something you’re supposed to do about the situation. A good dad calls his kids on Thanksgiving.”

Will chimes in, “You guys know why he didn’t call, don’t ya? He didn’t call because I wouldn’t change my plans on Thanksgiving to do what he wanted me to do.”

“Yes, so now you’re both being punished with the silent treatment.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / The Bartender — 13 Comments
11
Nov 14

How Much Do I Tell Them?

“How much do I tell them? How do I help my kids with their narcissistic mom, without running their mom down and making them feel worse? What’s the right thing to do?”

The bartender dries a wineglass and hangs it from the rack above his head. “That’s a tough one. It depends on the ages of your kids. It depends on how close they are to their mom. It depends on whether they have a support network besides you. It depends on a lot of things.” The bartender heads to the end of the bar to take an order. When he returns he says, “See that kid at the end of the bar?”

“The one who looks like he’s crying in his beer? Is he all of 22?”

“That’s the one. I knew his folks. They brought out the worst in each other, and it spilled over onto their kids. The mom could manipulate anybody and the dad let it happen. Not much he could do about it, really. She was good. But instead of sticking up for his kids or defending them from her tactics, he let them fend for themselves. Now look at the kid.”

“He looks like he’s mad at the world.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Random Observations / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
4
Nov 14

Narcissist in Our Midst

He entered and the energy changed.

He quickly surveyed the other people in the room. She sensed that he was measuring himself against the others to make sure he was the tallest, the best dressed and the one in control. When offered a glass of wine, he thanked the hostess in a way that was over-the-top. It’s just a glass of wine. Why the show of being so gracious?

The conversation began with a few sputters. One brought up the weather. Another tried to mention the upcoming holidays or the busyness down at the school. It wasn’t until he brought up a subject that the conversation took off, except it was more of a lecture, or a lesson, or a monologue of his observations. He shared his philosophy about how the school might be run better, even though he had no experience running a school. He gave us his take on the best way to raise children, even though he rarely saw his older children. (She wondered if they’d had enough of him when they were growing up, and they’d moved far away for a reason.)

If another tried to interject, he’d politely correct them. “Oh, I understand you feel that way, but what I’ve learned is that it’s this way.” If another tried to switch the topic, he’d hijack the new topic and bring it back around to himself, his experiences, and his vast amount of knowledge.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 8 Comments
30
Oct 14

On Being the Teenage Son of a Narcissistic Father

His eyes roll as his hand makes the universal symbol for “one who talks too much.” He paces the floor and occasionally says, “Uh huh.”

My teenage son is on the phone with his narcissistic father.

He will listen anywhere from 20 to 35 minutes. He’ll hear about his dad’s work issues, car issues, and plans for skiing and fishing trips. He’ll learn of his dad’s ailments, frustrations, and current obsessions. He’ll discover what his dad watches on TV, what his dad is reading, and whether he has mastered his new cell phone.

The son will be asked if his ski gear still fits. He’ll be told that his father has been shopping for him. The son will cringe and give me a look that says, “Here we go again.”

Continue reading →