gentle reminders « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: gentle reminders

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver — 4 Comments
20
Nov 14

They Aren’t Me

They can say what they want, but they aren’t me.

They can say, “Maybe you spend too much time with your kids.” They might say, “Maybe you need breaks from being a mom.” They have said, “You need to get out more.”

I smile and say, “Maybe.” I laugh and say, “Probably.” And what I’m thinking is, “It’s not my kids I need breaks from. I don’t need a break from being their mom, I need a break from being what others expect.” What I want to say is, “No! I need to stay in more!”

I smile, because I know where our center is. I know where the calm is. I know how to get the harmony back.

Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 11 Comments
17
Nov 14

Cold Beauty

It was cold that morning at 6:30. I turned on the kitchen light to make coffee and the thermometer told me it was -7. The fire had gone out. By the time Will shuffled out into the living room, the sun was turning the snow into shaved sparkles. He thought we ought to go out and take pictures. I told him I’d go out when it warmed to 5 above.

A bowl of oatmeal and five layers of clothes later, we grabbed our cameras and opened the front door to a blast of frozen air. There’s an indescribable quiet that comes with snow fall. Maybe that’s what makes winter bearable for this INFJ. The only sounds were coming from our boots as they made new crunching tracks in the fluff, and the honks of the Canadian Geese as they flew low over the Missouri.

Jen had received a new computer from the frozen UPS lady the night before. Even though she’d normally be the first out in the freeze to take pictures, she opted to stay behind and get acquainted with Speedy – the name she’d given her new Toshiba.

Will and I immediately set out on different paths. We’d each snap a couple photos, exclaim to the other about the view, and then cross each other’s path to take a photo of what the other had witnessed. Later, when we viewed our shots, I was surprised to see how similar our perspectives were. I’m sure it won’t be that way for long.

I’ve noticed that as each year passes, it takes me a few more days to get acclimated to the arrival of the cold. The first week or so finds me standing next to the wood stove, kvetching over too many cups of coffee. Then the day will come when I drag my butt outside, breathe the cold, take a few pictures and wonder how anyone could happily live without four seasons. And, yes, I’ve been known to bitch at the slow arrival of spring, when I’m sure I’ll die if I have to shovel the walks one more time. At least the seasons give me something to complain about, besides narcissism. ;) Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Quotes / Stories / Survivor Support — 6 Comments
14
Oct 14

The Difference Between Can’t and Won’t

Guest Post by Jenn

Way back in May of this year I was dealing with issues stemming from the sideline Narcissist in my life. I call her a sideline Narcissist because she doesn’t live in my home, or in my town, but she very much influences my life because she raised my husband. Thank the Gods he managed to survive his childhood and now we have our own little darlings, who are also influenced by the sideline Narcissist. But I digress.

Back to the issue the sideline Narcissist was inconveniently causing back in May. After I had sent out an email to extended family members letting them know that we wouldn’t be traveling to Kentucky as we normally do, the husband received an email from his mother. She stated she would like the kids for two weeks in July and then again for another two weeks in August – at her house, which is ten hours away from where we live. The big problem here is that my MIL cannot physically handle the rigors of caring for two very active young boys plus their sister for more than a few days. She wanted them for two weeks at a time. Cue the drama where the sideline Narcissist does a happy dance.

So the husband and I actually agree that his mother cannot have the kids for two weeks. Then we even go so far as to agree that he should go with the kids for their one-week visit. We then agreed that he would talk to his mother about why she couldn’t have the kids by herself. And that’s where all the happy dancing on my end stopped because although the husband said he would talk to her, in reality it wasn’t happening. I even gave him a date to have it done by, since he’s horrible at procrastinating. That date came and he hadn’t had the TALK.

We were in July now, and I was angry – grinding my teeth and harrowing-in-my-gut angry – when I saw him. Because what I saw was that he wouldn’t talk to his mother even though it was in his kids’ best interests. He didn’t want me talking to the sideline Narcissist about this problem because I was “too aggressive” – in his words. Whereas what I saw was that he was entirely too passive. So I sat in my anger and I felt my body drawing in around me, and at some point I got tired of the anger. It takes a lot of energy to maintain that kind of anger and I didn’t want to do it anymore. So I pulled myself aside and had a chat. The fancy schmancy counseling degree I have teaches you certain skills. So I asked myself what I would do with some random dude off the street who walked in and had an angry wife and a mother he couldn’t talk to. And that’s when it hit me. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 6 Comments
7
Oct 14

Do As I Say

Do as I say, not as I do.

I tell them to examine how they feel when they are with someone. If the energy feels good, pursue that relationship. If you feel icky or drained, re-think whether you want to spend time with that person.

They see me foster relationships that leave me depleted.

Continue reading →

Kids are People / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 6 Comments
30
Sep 14

“Put the Pedal to the Plastic!”

“Mom, put the pedal to the plastic!”

“Huh?”

“Put the pedal to the plastic. Look at this dashboard – everything is plastic. Way back when you were a kid, cars were made of steel. Nobody can say, “Put the pedal to the metal!” anymore.

“Thanks for clarifying. I think.”

And from the backseat Jenny yelled, “Yeah, Mom! Put the pedal to the plastic!” Continue reading →

Random Observations / The Bartender / Tools — 4 Comments
25
Sep 14

Self-Awareness Isn’t About You

“Hey, what are you doing on this side of the bar?”

“I just finished my shift.” The bartender closed his composition notebook and reached for his glass. “How are you?”

She sits on the next stool, “I’m well. I’ve got about an hour before picking up the kids.” She smiled across the bar to the next shift’s bartender, “I’ll have a coke, please.” After finding her wallet she said, “So, Hank, what are you writing?”

Hank hesitated, “I’m working on a paper about self-awareness.” He slid the notebook to the side. “There’s a fine line between self-awareness and self-absorption. I want to illustrate that self-awareness – contrary to what most folks think – isn’t really about you. Maybe I should say that it shouldn’t be about you.”

“I’m not sure I get where you’re going.” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 12 Comments
17
Sep 14

Pretending I’m Not an INFJ

I didn’t intentionally try to be someone else.

My heart was in the right place.

Really.

But it appears that I’ve been pretending that I’m not an INFJ. And because I’m pretending to be other than I am, I find myself barking at my kids, nursing a messed up stomach, dropping the ball on this blog, and burying myself in scrubbing floors and cleaning cupboards in an attempt to get back to where I was.

Only I’m not sure how to get back there. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 3 Comments
24
Aug 14

On the Meaning of Life and Other Vague Notions

“What’s the point?”

“The point of what?”

“You know… the point…. the meaning of life. Why are we here?”

Margaret laughed as she tied on a crisp new apron. “Well, it’s a bit of a moot point now, isn’t it? Besides, I’m not sure we’re supposed to know the point, Gladys, dear. I was always too busy wiping noses, folding laundry, preparing meals and helping with homework to have even a moment to myself, let alone any spare time to think about the meaning of life. What do you think, Basil?”

“I don’t know either, Margaret.” Basil reached for his ever-present thermos of coffee. “For a long time I thought it was finding a decent job and then I figured it must be supporting my family, raising decent kids and being a good husband. Now, I don’t know.” Basil put down his cup of coffee, “Hey, Jon. What do you think?” Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver — 9 Comments
12
Aug 14

Take a Left at the Coke Can

I’m in need of a bright spot. I’m struggling with getting back in the groove after spending a couple relaxing days in the woods.

The forwarded email about what animals look like when they see you naked had the three of us giggling. The dish of strawberries and whipped cream perked up Will. Jenny’s busy making a Sherlock Holmes doll, so she’s in a craft-induced focus.

The forecasted 98 degree temps are wilting the energy.

I could surf and find bright spots or I could create my own.

Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 4 Comments
25
Jul 14

Make a New Bed

If you’ve spent any time in these parts, you know how I feel about making beds, but this morning I had an “epipha-me“.

I was thinking about choices, plans, wrong turns, course corrections and new directions.

There’s an idiom that goes like this:

You made your bed, now lie in it.

My INFJness had my wheels spinning on that one. Mostly I was thinking about the individual who penned that classic phrase. How stuck was she, or I suppose it could have been a he? How dismal to go through life thinking, “This is it. This is where I am. This is what I planned for. I’m here. Better stick with it.”

How many decide that since they invested so much time in this relationship, or spent so much money on that degree, that they can’t make a choice to do something else? Even if they aren’t happy in that relationship or with the job that degree landed them, they stick with their choices.

I wish I could have told the person who wrote that idiom,

“If you can make one bed, you can make another.
It’s okay.
Really.
Make a new bed.”

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver — 8 Comments
11
Jul 14

On What’s Missing

A typical day finds me juggling agendas:

Will’s involving all things golf with segues into fly fishing or spincasting or minnow catching (aren’t they all the same thing?) and begrudgingly mowing a few lawns to keep him in golf balls. (Did I mention I’m glad we’re done with fireworks season?)

Jen’s involving ways to gut a stuffed animal, fill it with tubing so as to mimic the digestive process of a ‘real’ dog (without the mess), trips to the craft store and coconut oil treatments on blisters created by spins on the horizontal bar that now graces the back yard.

Mine involves tending a belligerent garden, stopping up water leaks, pretending to write on a third book, finding new things to grill on the Weber and repeatedly washing the same three golf shirts.

Continue reading →

Control / Random Observations / Stories / The Bartender — 2 Comments
8
Jul 14

“I Married My Mom!”

“I’ll have a Jack and Coke. Hold the Coke.”

“Was the long weekend tough on ya? How was the lake?” The bartender reached for a rocks glass, filled it with ice and poured a steady stream of amber-colored attitude adjustment.

“The lake was fine.” He reached for the glass and took a long sip. “I married my mom.”

“You what!? This weekend? You did what?” The bartender paused, bar rag in hand, waiting for an explanation.

“No. Not like that.” He took another sip. “No, I meant that the woman I married is exactly like my mom.” Continue reading →

Random Observations / Stories / The Bartender — 2 Comments
29
Jun 14

The Brain’s Filing System or Why Did I Dream That?

“Hello. Cabernet or VO and water? What kind of a day did you have?” The bartender wiped the spot on the bar in front of her.

“I think I wanna try that white wine I see folks drinking. You know, with ice and a slice of lime. If the weather isn’t going to be summer-like, maybe a different drink will make it feel more like summer.” She opened her bag, found a twenty, and placed it on the bar. “It’s not very busy in here this afternoon.”

“It’s the start of the weekend. Schedules change in the summer. I like it a little quieter.” The bartender puts a wine glass down in front of her. “How are things in your world?”

“The usual. Well, the summer version of the usual, I guess. Kids are busy and happy to be done with school. I keep thinking things will slow down a bit, but that hasn’t happened yet.” She takes a sip and sighs. “Since it’s quiet, I have a weird story for you.”

The bartender laughs, “I’m always in the mood for a weird story.” Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Random Observations / Spirit Guides — 6 Comments
11
Jun 14

The Golden Rule in a Narcissistic Culture

“Margaret, do you think today’s narcissistic culture has lost sight of the Golden Rule?”

Margaret wiped her hands on her pressed apron. “I’m not sure I know what you mean, dear? Please explain.”

Gladys hopped down from her perch on a headstone and dusted off the back of her skirt. “Well, the original meaning of the Golden Rule had something to do with empathizing with our neighbor. We were encouraged to walk in their shoes, so to speak, and treat them with consideration. In today’s culture, it appears that the original meaning has been tailored a bit. Now it’s more like, ‘Be nice to your neighbor, as long as they are like you, and treat them the way you’d like to be treated, with no regard to how they want to be treated.'”

“Perhaps an example would help me understand? I’m not sure I see what you mean.”

“I’ll try. As it is now, they judge their neighbor based on how they dress, their car, their house and the school their kids go to. If they have those things in common, then they’ll decide it’s safe to be considerate. At the point of deciding their neighbor is worth approaching, they’ll bring the neighbor their favorite pie, regardless of whether their neighbor likes pie.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 8 Comments
5
Jun 14

Coming to Terms with INFJ

“I’ve been doing this a few years. I think you’re the first INFJ result I’ve seen. Of course, most INFJs don’t take Business Management. Why are you in this curriculum?”