love « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: love

Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 9 Comments
30
Jan 17

Go Quietly in the Direction of Your Change

Tell your mom, if you want. You might even tell your dad. Telling your parents depends on your relationship with them. Remember, you don’t owe them anything.

You don’t need to tell your kids. If you tell them now, and it takes a while, they’ll sound a lot like, “Mom? Is it today? Is it happening today? When? Mom, when is the change gonna happen?” You don’t need that kind of pressure.

Depending on the relationship you have with your BFF, you may want to wait to tell her. But … if you can’t tell her right away, she’s not the BFF you think she is.

I have no idea how to predict how a guy responds to anything, so whether you tell him, or not, is up to you.

I do know, though, that if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s better not to tell him or her at all. Make the change. See if they notice. If they bring up the change, then be prepared to discuss, or more accurately, listen. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 10 Comments
20
Oct 16

On Ease and Intuition

The other night we were watching David Blaine on Netflix. I’m not into magic, but I was humoring Will. It was good, except my overthinking brain churns on trying to figure out the tricks. In one segment, Blaine approached a fellow and said, “Pick a card.” A Jack of Clubs popped into my head. Before I could say, “You guys, it’s a Jack of Clubs,” the fellow on the TV said, “Jack of Clubs.” I told the kids and they were less than surprised, because that stuff happens all the time around here.

We can’t turn on the car radio without one of them saying, “I woke up with that song on my mind, and there it is. They never play that one.” Or, “Hey, I was just thinking about so-and-so and they left a message on my voicemail.”

(Doesn’t mean I don’t love you if I don’t pick up when you call. INFJ, remember?)

Or Jen says, “Hey, we should go to Cafe Rio tonight,” and Will blurts out, “I was just gonna say that!” We do spend a lot of time together, but that doesn’t explain all of these incidences. We’re not reading each other’s minds just because we are always together. Besides, the older Will gets, the less I’m able to read his mind.

Intuition is a big deal to all three of us. It drives our passions. Intuition tells Will where the fishing will be better. Intuition guides Jen as she creates figures out of sculpey. As an INFJ, I’m hard-pressed to think of anything that can’t be enhanced, improved or avoided if I’ve been paying attention to my intuition. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 2 Comments
4
Oct 16

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 14

If you’ve read this far, and you aren’t an INFJ ….

Let’s be real. The only reason you’d read this if you aren’t an INFJ is because you are my mom or my aunt. We know that narcissists wouldn’t read this series, so we’ll rule them out.

If anyone other than an INFJ stumbled upon this series, they’d be saying, “What were you thinking? Why did you put up with that? Why didn’t you leave sooner? Hell! Why did you marry him to begin with? Maybe you are the one with the problems. YOU are the one with the issues. Why would you lose yourself in a relationship like that?”

To the INFJs reading this, I don’t need to explain. You know why I stayed as long as I did.

You, dear INFJ, are here to find some sort of compassion or understanding or an explanation. You want to know that you aren’t the only person (please stop calling yourself a fool) who would put up with so much bullshit. You want to believe that there are people out there who care about relationships as deeply as you do. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 5 Comments
24
Sep 16

Signs of Thriving

Six years ago, when on a road trip, we had stopped for treats and Will took a good 15 minutes to decide between types of beef jerky. (How different can they be?) Jen and I would have used the restroom, gotten our drinks and goodies, and stood by the car watching the sun setting while he was still trying to make a choice.

I remember thinking I’ve got to help that kid learn how to choose without worrying about making a mistake. He’d grown accustomed to having his choices doubted and questioned. He’d pick a blue t-shirt and his dad would say, “Why did you pick that color. You should pick green.” He would order a coke, and his dad would say, “No! You are having lemonade.”

Will had a history of making “bad” choices, as far as his dad was concerned, so any time he was faced with making a decision, he was paralyzed. Even if his dad wasn’t there.

Now, when Will drives up to a convenience store, he’s in and out faster than I am. And when it comes to making the big choices, like his first rifle or a pair of skis, he does his homework. He looks at reviews online. He asks for the opinions of others. He’ll search out a clerk at the store and pummel him with questions. When he feels confident with his choice – and he does – he proceeds.

It’s a beautiful thing to see. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Survivor Support — 6 Comments
10
May 16

That’s Not Love

I woke with a familiar, 40-year-old heartache. I pulled on my robe while heading up to make coffee. With each step, the strong voice in my head chanted, “That’s not love.”

In the dream, it was my birthday. He carefully, and in great deal, explained the gifts he’d purchased. He discussed the lengths he’d gone to in order to find the perfect items. He talked of how he’d spent so much energy tracking down these ideal presents. “Aren’t they beautiful? Do you like how I put this together? I found the perfect gifts, didn’t I?” I reached out to touch the smooth fabric and he said, “Oh, no. These aren’t for you.” I woke with a racing heart and a need to vomit.

The 12 year old deep down inside wanted to scream, “Hey! That’s not right. What about me?”

Fifty-something me knows the futility of trying to explain to one who lacks empathy. It’s equally tiresome to either point out that something hurts feelings, or to pretend that feelings aren’t hurt. I could say, “Hey, that hurts my feelings,” only to be told that it’s not all about me; that he has every right to buy what he wants for whomever he wants, say whatever he likes or do as he pleases.

And the 12 year old with tears welling up in her eyes thinks, “Next year, I’ll be nicer. Next year, he’ll do nice things for me. I’ll be different. I’ll be better.” Continue reading →

Random Observations / The Bartender — 4 Comments
12
Apr 16

When High Maintenance Is Good

John reached for his pint and muttered to himself, “The other high maintenance was easier.”

On the other side of the bar, Hank turned and said, “What? Did you just say ‘high maintenance?'” Hank leaned over the bar, “Uh oh…”

John looked frustrated. “Yeah. I did.” He lifted his pint for a drink. “The last one was the typical kind of high maintenance. She liked stuff. All kinds of stuff. If we got in an argument, I’d buy her earrings. If I wanted to golf for a second weekend in a row, I’d pay for her to get one of those manicures. As long as I bought her stuff, or wined and dined her, we were fine.”

Hank laughed, “And, this new one? Is she high maintenance?”

John shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I can’t figure her out. It’s a whole different kind of high maintenance. She doesn’t want stuff. She doesn’t go for manicures. She doesn’t have 130 pairs of shoes.” Continue reading →

Survivor Support — 8 Comments
30
Mar 16

Nina

A sweet, bright light went out today.

Dearest Nina,

You blessed our lives in ways unimaginable. If we are thriving and happy it’s due in so many ways to your patient, enduring love.

We will never forget you. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / The Bartender — 6 Comments
30
Nov 15

I Do Not Like Green Pumpkin Pie

“Hey Jesse! How was your Thanksgiving?”

“Well, we all came down with that stomach bug. Only three of the four of us could even eat the dinner. My pumpkin pie turned green. And the dogs ate all of the salami we’d sliced for appetizers. It was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had, and I’m NOT being facetious. How was yours? Oh… I’ll have a Fat Tire, please.”

Hank laughed, “Wow! You sound like a beer-drinking Erma Bombeck.”

“I’d bet she tossed back a few in her day. Seriously, though, how was your turkey day?”

“Nice and quiet, just how I like it.” Hank placed an almost over-flowing glass of beer in front of Jesse. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 2 Comments
5
Nov 15

A Bird’s Eye View

Keep your crystal ball, I want a bird’s eye view of the path I’ve chosen. Make no mistake, I don’t want to know the outcome. I’m not rushing off to a fortune teller in hopes of getting validation that I’m on the right track. I’ve consulted the runes enough times to get confused over their seemingly mixed signals. They offer some encouragement, but I want more than that.

I want to sore above the trees and get the kind of perspective that only a bird can get. I want a view of the horizon. I want to see right up to the edge without any spoilers. I don’t want to know how it ends. I don’t want to know if there will be a “happily ever after.”

I want to know if I chose the correct path. I want to see if the guideposts are meant for me. I want reassurance that the struggle is due, without knowing the payoff.

Please don’t tell me to have faith.

I’ve had faith before. I’ve continued blindly on what I thought was the right path. The signs along the way were screaming at me to turn around. But I had faith, and I kept going down that path. I had faith, but I didn’t believe. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path / The Bartender — 10 Comments
14
Oct 15

A New Zip Code

“Hey Jesse, I heard you have a new zip code. Whatcha doin’ in here?”

“How are ya, Hank? Yes, we do have a new zip code. It’s only about 90 minutes away. I’m in town to get the house ready to rent out.”

“Wow. Big changes afoot for all of you. How are you doing with it all? And your kids? I saw them the other day at that frozen yogurt place. They appear to be happy and thriving and growing. What can I get you?”

“Do you still have Bayern Amber on tap?”

“Comin’ right up!” Continue reading →

Moving On / Spirit Guides / Stories — 5 Comments
15
Sep 15

On Popcorn, Track Record and the New Guy

“Oh dear! I can’t bring myself to watch.”

“Pass the popcorn, Margaret. This is getting good.”

Margaret passed the bowl of popcorn to Gladys. “Gladys! How can you be so insensitive? She’s struggling. Can’t you see that?”

“Of course I can see that. That’s why it’s getting good!” Gladys scooped up a handful of popcorn in one hand and with the other, she deliberately ate one popped kernel at a time, while watching the drama unfold.

Basil walked over and sat next to Gladys. “Uh oh. She’s at it again, isn’t she.” Continue reading →

Moving On / The Bartender — 2 Comments
27
Aug 15

On Going No Contact

“Hey, Hank! How’s it going? It’s weird to see you outside of the bar.”

“Hey, Matt. I haven’t seen you down there in awhile. Looks like you’re getting some new gear today? Have you been doing a lot more fishing this year?”

Matt held up a package of spinners and laughed, “Yeah. Funny thing is, I’ve been fishing a lot more since … well …. since I broke it off with Sarah.”

Hank reached for some leader, “Ouch. I hadn’t seen you two around, but I didn’t know. I thought you two were good together.”

Matt shook his head, “So did I.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / The Bartender — 4 Comments
15
Jun 15

Uncharted Territory

When Hank smiles, his eyes crease, filling the white crows feet created by off hours spent on the river in the sun. “Nice to see you, Janna. What’ll you have?”

“A gin and tonic would be great. Thanks. How are you? It looks like you’ve managed to find the sun when you aren’t tending bar.”

Hank laughed, “Yep. The weather has finally made up its mind. Now if I could get the fish to do the same. How are you?”

“I’m well. I think.”

“Uh oh. Sounds like there’s a story there.” Hank places a napkin in front of Janna, and tops it with her drink. “Hey, was it last month you were in here, all excited about a new man in your life? How’s that going?” Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 1 Comment
28
May 15

When to Accommodate

“Margaret?”

“Yes, dear?”

Gladys smoothed the crease of her skirt. “Why are you always so accommodating?”

“Whatever do you mean, dear?”

“Well, you always put everyone else first. You always consider other needs before your own.” Continue reading →

Kids are People / Parenting — 4 Comments
30
Apr 15

Narcissist for a Day

Today I’m going to be a narcissist. I’m going to put myself first.

I need to get something done – for me. In order to do that, I need to put all your stuff aside.

You know I love you. Right? And all day long, while I’m making myself a priority, I’ll still be loving you. But – just for today – I need to make some progress on my* list.

Continue reading →