You are wonderful!
You are kind and talented and smart and courageous and funny and caring.
You may even be gorgeous with a sense of style that magazines try to capture.
You might have worked long enough to get that hard body that some women crave. Continue reading →
Often, it isn’t until after you do something that you realize how much you shouldn’t have done that thing. So it was with marrying the narcissist.
In the flurry of preparations the morning of the ceremony, she was approached by well-wishers. The look in their eyes should have told her something. As over-thinking INFJs do, she assumed she needed to do more to make her guests comfortable. Now, as she thinks back on the general mood of the attendees, she realizes those looks showed concern – concern masked by forced smiles.
What should the energy be on that big day? Isn’t it more about the marriage than the wedding? Don’t two people grow together during the marriage? Jitters and cold feet are present at every wedding, aren’t they? The wedding was a formality. The marriage was the true test of their rightness for each other.
Right? Continue reading →
We’d gone into the lodge to make sure she wasn’t getting frostbite. She made faces at me while I rubbed her tender cheeks to get the circulation back. “Honey, keep gently rubbing your cheeks. The white spot will go away as you warm up.” She patted her face and said, “Remember when dad was at the house the other day and he looked at my mermaids?”
“Yeah. That was Thursday.”
“Well, I forgot to tell you what he said.”
“About the mermaids?”
“No, about the mermaids, he just nodded his head and said, ‘I like them. You did a good job.’ But he said something else, too.” Continue reading →
Ho Ho Ho!
It’s been a crazy year, hasn’t it? And you have been SO good. More than that, my friend, you ARE good. Every part of you is good, from your deeds, to your thoughts, to your disagreements with your sister, to your spilled glasses of milk.
Yes! It’s true. I’m here to tell you that no matter what you’ve been told, you are GOOD.
It’s hard to tell sometimes, isn’t it? Sometimes you get a look or a feeling from your dad or mom that leaves you thinking that you aren’t measuring up. Well NOTHING could be further from the truth. See, when they give you that look, they are frustrated with who they are. That’s right! They are mad at themselves. I know it sounds weird. I know it doesn’t feel that way. I know it doesn’t make sense that this big powerful adult is taking their frustrations out on you, but that’s what they do. They can’t help it.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. You already know that I have two lists – the Naughty List and the Nice List. You’ve probably been worried that your name is on the Naughty List. Well, your name is on the Nice List – of course it is, Silly! I promise. My Naughty List contains all the names of the narcissistic parents. Continue reading →
The narcissist held on to his money the way he held on to his image. When it came time to plan for a wedding, she knew that being frugal was equally as important as his need to look good. He had made it clear that this would be a small, affordable affair. This was his second, “after all,” even though it was her first.
He did not make it clear that the planning would be left entirely up to her.
Her INFJ qualities drove her desire for a more personal ceremony – she hated being the center of attention. This suited his desire to be the focus. Because he didn’t have many close friends and only rarely spoke to his family, the majority of the attendees were on her side, which conveniently provided him with an opportunity to look good in front of people who didn’t know him well.
She’d filed herself down so much, she hardly recognized herself, but then not seeing herself made it easier to focus on him and his needs.
He needed the house to look perfect. He needed the car to stay clean. He needed the lawn to be mowed in a certain pattern. He needed their weekends to be full of the kinds of activities that fit the image he was trying to portray.
She would cook meals that met with his approval. She kept a list of his suggestions as to how she could better prepare his favorites.
She’d fold the towels just so as they watched his favorite shows on TV.
If she tried to read a magazine while the TV was on, he’d make fun of her taste in magazines. Mostly she sat quietly on the other end of the couch and watched shows she couldn’t care less about. Continue reading →
Those INFJ traits make for a tenacious individual when it comes to working on relationships. She would never run out of the desire to try. She’d contort herself into whatever shape he needed in order to make this work.
If he wanted an outdoorsy woman, she’d happily put on hiking boots.
If he wanted a woman who only had time for him, she’d quit returning the calls from friends and family.
If he wanted a companion who followed his dreams, she’d tuck her dreams away in a box on a shelf in the closet.
She was attracted to him from the first moment they met. He was older by a decade. The look in his eyes made her think he’d experienced enough to have learned; and the spark made her want to believe that he wasn’t done learning.
He was drawn to her intense desire to listen, and because she was an INFJ, he couldn’t help but spill his guts. He told her details of his failed marriage, the trials and tribulations of owning a business while raising kids, and stories of adventures in the mountains of the west. She soaked it all up. The more intently she listened, the more he talked. He thrived in her attention.
The more she asked, the more he told. The more she listened, the taller he grew and the broader his shoulders appeared.
After one intense exchange, she briefly worried that if he got to know her better, he might not be interested. She noticed that he seldom asked questions of her life. Would he still be drawn to her once he learned of her dreams and hopes and failures? Continue reading →
Guest Post by ZairaWhen you turn down an unfamiliar road, it is uneasy. The curves and blind spots in the valleys are unsettling, but after a few whips and whirls, you start to feel the road. The car feels grounded and secure. You speed up a little and start to think this crazy road is manageable. Then you come over a hill that you hope will be the last and there is a stop sign. Screeching to a halt, you have lost all sense of security that existed. You want to turn and get off that road now, but the new direction is scarier than mistrusting the road you are on. Besides, that turn may leave you on a dirt road, in bad weather, and prolong the agony of the journey as either way is uncertain.
“I went down to the crossroad
fell down on my knees
Asked the lord above “Have mercy now
save poor Bob if you please”
Yeeooo, standin at the crossroad
tried to flag a ride
ooo ooo eee”
Cruising along thinking my road was not so bad, getting a little better, perhaps. Sure there were hills and valleys, but I have hit the stop sign. I swerved and hit the damn sign! I am caught off guard. My security is halted. My confidence cracked. Fear of the unknown has left me unable to back up, redirect, and make a choice on direction. I have my thumb out…
“I tried to flag a ride
Didn’t nobody seem to know me babe
everybody pass me by
Standin at the crossroad baby
risin sun goin down
Standin at the crossroad baby
eee eee eee, risin sun goin down
I believe to my soul now,
Poor Bob is sinkin down”
People are stopping. Checking out my ride. Shaking their heads. But no one can tell me what to do, which way to go. My heart is pounding…
“You can run, you can run
tell my friend Willie Brown
(th)’at I got the crossroad blues this mornin Lord
babe, I’m sinkin down”
That hill was steep! You need to slow down! You have time. Pay attention and stay calm. It will be ok. It’s a long road, but you will get there.
“And I went to the crossroad momma
I looked east and west
I went to the crossroad baby
I looked east and west
Lord, I didn’t have no sweet woman
ooh-well babe, in my distress”
Robert Johnson- CrossRoads
“Underlying all of the constant campaigning needed to uphold this position is a profound vulnerability that lies at the very core of his psyche. Such is the narcissist who must mask his fears of inadequacy by ensuring that he is perceived to be a unique and brilliant stone. In his offspring he finds the grave limits he cannot admit in himself. And he will stop at nothing to make certain that his child continually tries to correct these flaws. In actuality, the child may be exceedingly intelligent, but has so fully developed feelings of ineptitude that he is incapable of believing in his own possibilities.”
– Joshua Braff, The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green
“I know… you think waders would make fishing that much better, but we’ve both heard the stories of them filling with water. I don’t want you to end up bobbing down the river with your head under water. You need to do some research. Let’s learn a bit more and figure out which waders to stay away from. You can make that part of school today.”
“So mom, here’s a guy who says that he can walk in the river better when he takes in a little water. He says it makes it easier to maneuver.”
“Nice. And how many years has he been fishing? Hey, did you get the other stuff on your list done before Googling fishing waders?”
“Mo…..om. I’m done with the other stuff. Here’s a guy who has a pair that has drainage holes and some draw strings around the neck and waist.” Continue reading →
“Your coffee’s always better than mine.”
“That’s cuz you had someone else make it for you. Here… have a little more.” She fills both mugs and reaches for the half and half.
“Thanks, Ann. Look, she’s up on the roof. Is she cleaning her chimney?”
“Yep. This morning she was up there cleaning her gutters and trimming tree branches.”
“Why doesn’t she hire that stuff done?” Continue reading →
“Jon, dear, please remove your fingers from your ears. How will you break your fall if you should crash that board you insist on riding?”
He streaks by with an annoyed look on his face. He doesn’t hear Margaret. He’s trying not to hear anything. Tuning them out is not possible. That’s all they do. They talk and blather on and they never stop to listen. He makes another pass and stops in front of Gladys, “If I hadn’t lost my ear buds, I wouldn’t have to plug my ears. Have you seen my buds anywhere?”
Gladys exhales a long puff of cigarette smoke, looks at Jon and says, “What are buds?”
“Speakers. Ear buds are little speakers that fit in your ears. I plug ’em into my iPod and listen to music. You know, music? I lost my buds.”
“You mean that white cording draped over that marker back there? Are those the ear buds you speak of?” Continue reading →
Get some help.
Oh, I know you think you don’t need help. I know you think the problem lies with everyone else. I know you think that you have life figured out and the rest of us have to catch up.
I know of your childhood. I know it was awful. Someone – your mom or dad – had you believing you weren’t good enough. In order to survive, you pretended to be good enough. You created an image of some kid you thought your parents wanted you to be. Or you created a self that was tough, impenetrable and cavalier so as to protect yourself. At the end of each school year, more and more layers were added to this image.
By the time you graduated, you couldn’t wait to get out of their house. You had survived, but you forgot who you were. You packed your bags – the clothes belonging to the guy you created – and your ways of behaving, and you left to start your adult life. Continue reading →
Invite the narcissist in your life to go to the movie you’ve been waiting all summer to see, but only if you dare. If it isn’t his idea, he won’t like the movie, and he won’t spare your feelings by pretending to like the movie. He’ll exit the theater, after sleeping through most of the film, and say something like, “Yeah, this was one of those movies.” Those movies aren’t on his list – his master list of all things approved by him.
Tell the narcissist in your life that you’ve grown two inches this summer and that you are running out of jeans, but only if you dare. He may agree to take you shopping, but not to the places you like. He won’t mince words when telling you which jeans he likes, and which jeans he hates. He never likes the jeans you like. He will look at your little sister and say,”Where’d you get that top?” When your sister tells him the name of the shop, he’ll shrug his shoulders as if to say, “No wonder.”
You will come home with new jeans that you don’t want.
