Parenting « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: Parenting

“I Like It When You …”

“I like it when you go outside to do your extroverting when you can see that Jen needs to introvert.”

“I like it when you engage with Will when you’d rather be introverting.”

“I like it when I tell you guys that I need help, and you willingly unload the dishwasher or fold the clothes and put them away.”

“I like it when all three of us want to turn off the electronics and talk about the weird dreams we had last night, and neither one of you is itchin’ to get up and leave the room.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations — 2 Comments
16
Oct 13

Do-Overs

Her head hit the pillow and all she could think was, “Can I get a Do-Over?”

At 2:30 that afternoon, she’d considered the possibility that it might be best to go to bed and put an end to this day. She could pretend she had flu symptoms, make a cup of tea, put on her pajamas and bring this crappy day to a close.

But, of course, she didn’t. She proceeded to touch more things that turned to shit. She made bigger messes while trying to mop up other messes.

While running errands, she’d noticed the gorgeous fall leaves reflecting in the still blue river. Blue and orange were complementary colors for a reason. At least she couldn’t ruin that. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 2 Comments
9
Sep 13

How To Paint Like an Extrovert

“Whoa cowboy! Slow down a bit. You’re getting the green on the ceiling.”

“Oh, sorry about that. This rolling is fun. Look how much you can get on the roller before you put it on the wall.” Will dunks the roller and I wince as he takes the roller from the tray to the wall.

“Yeah, it’s cool. If you go too fast, tho’, it’ll splatter all over the kitchen.” I stand at the ready with paper towels.

“K. But maybe if I do it thick enough, it’ll only take one* coat. Sorry about the ceiling.”

“That’s okay. It’s fixable, but we don’t wanna have to repaint the whole ceiling. Maybe you paint like an extrovert.”

“I know, right?”

Jenny walks over and asks for a little more paint. She takes the stir stick, dips it in the sage green and lets it run onto the lid of the paint can. “That should be enough.” She heads back to the corner of the kitchen where she creates a mermaid with steady, deliberate watercolor paintbrush strokes.

“I’m not gonna want to paint over her, Jen. She’s gorgeous.”

“That’s okay, mom. I’ll paint her again in my bedroom.”

“Maybe you paint like an introvert.”

“I know, right?”

*One coat of the sage green was enough to cover. :)

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
30
Aug 13

Get Some Help

Get some help.

Oh, I know you think you don’t need help. I know you think the problem lies with everyone else. I know you think that you have life figured out and the rest of us have to catch up.

I know of your childhood. I know it was awful. Someone – your mom or dad – had you believing you weren’t good enough. In order to survive, you pretended to be good enough. You created an image of some kid you thought your parents wanted you to be. Or you created a self that was tough, impenetrable and cavalier so as to protect yourself. At the end of each school year, more and more layers were added to this image.

By the time you graduated, you couldn’t wait to get out of their house. You had survived, but you forgot who you were. You packed your bags – the clothes belonging to the guy you created – and your ways of behaving, and you left to start your adult life. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 4 Comments
13
Aug 13

A Page From a Thriver’s Life

She sips coffee under the Sumacs (that he would never let her grow) while the cat (that he would not let her have) rubs against her ankles.

She has the whole glorious day ahead of her. She will skip breakfast if she wants. She’ll read, before chores, from a book that was on her own reading list.

She could fry up potatoes with onions and peppers and add too much cumin seed and spill too much salsa on too much cheese and not give a second thought to carbs.

She’ll walk when she wants, where she wants, for as long as she wants.

Or she won’t walk at all. Continue reading →

Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 6 Comments
7
Aug 13

If No One Told You How To Create

If they didn’t tell you that you can’t make a tiny mermaid out of fabric, what would you create?

If they didn’t tell you that skies are always blue and trees are always green, how would you draw them?

If you hadn’t been force-fed their rules, how would you play the game?

Continue reading →

Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 4 Comments
2
Aug 13

On Self-Improvement

He’s running across the yard with a huge grin on his face. “Mom! It’s 20 yards from the road. I made it that far! Pretty soon I’ll be hitting the road.”

“Bud, that’s awesome! Ah…. you might have to find a new place to hit from. That could get ugly if you hit a car.”

“I know, but can we pace it off? Can we see how far I’m hitting ’em?”

I grab my coffee and he’s still holding on to his driver when we start counting our paces across the park. We walk over irrigation sprinklers that create patchworks of green on an otherwise brown landscape. We side-step thistle and the party favors left by the neighborhood dogs. I’m counting out loud as we go.

We get to his ball when I reach 238 paces. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 4 Comments
17
Jul 13

A Survivor’s Cheat Sheet

The green index card in my purse is my backbone fortifier. The card contains notes on how to handle verbal attacks. A friend on Twitter sent me a link to Martha Beck’s post on the subject. I had to create a short-hand version of Martha’s approach so as to fit it on one side of the card. I wanted a quick cheat sheet to refer to when necessary.

(No, I haven’t actually pulled the card out in front of an attacker. Not yet.)

I refer to this card when I’m standing in line at the grocery store. I re-read this card when I’m in the parking lot waiting for Will to finish 18 holes. Looking in my purse to find chapstick, I see the green of the card and I’m reminded of the key points.

Here’s the version that has helped me.

1. Fighting Stance. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Random Observations / Stories — 12 Comments
2
Jul 13

The EMBB – A New Category in the MBTI

“Here, let me turn down the radio. I didn’t hear that one.” We are driving down the main thoroughfare in town, heading to pick up Will at the golf course. It’s sunny and warm. We are in full-on summer mode – looking forward to running through the sprinkler and barbecue that evening. The smell of sunscreen wafts out the window as we make the next turn.

We haven’t had a dad visit in a few weeks.

Life is good.

Somebody stop the clock.

Please.

“What did you say?”

She flicks her long blonde braid off of one shoulder, lowers the window and sticks her arm out of the car. “Don’t you think there are EMBBs?”

“What are EMBBs?”

“Well, you know how you are an INFJ, I am an ITP* and Will is an ENFJ?”

“Yeah. Go on.”

We turn into the parking lot of the course and I am trying to figure out the letters. E has to be extrovert. I assume it’ll be something about her extroverted brother that is driving her nuts.

“EMBB is for Extroverted Meanie Bo Beanie.”

“Ha! That’s perfect! Do you think there might also be some IMBBs then?”

“Sure. They’re just a little quieter about their meanness.”

Parenting / Random Observations / Stories — 2 Comments
29
Jun 13

When Your Best Is Good Enough

She was flitting from one to the other. She didn’t have time to look for worms. Many times they may have been given a bit of sand instead of a grub or a Chokecherry berry.

She was doing her best, and her best produced plump, tweeting, happy teenage Robins.

Between three squawking teenage kids, the momma Robin was moving fast. She’d barely get something in one beak, and a second beak was in her face. In their birdy language, they were saying, “Over hear!” “What about me?” “Can I have more?”

She obliged with tenderness and efficiency.

I spied them from a window. I watched as she flitted as if she’d never tire. I was so proud of her. She was focused on her most important job. I said, “Hey, you guys. I know what my next post will be about… ” Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 2 Comments
25
Jun 13

The Journey

“”Honey, the mediation spa that you made out of popsicle sticks didn’t do so well in the storm last night. I love that thing. Would you mind getting the hot glue gun out and putting it back together?”

“I could, but I’ve got other projects going on.”

“Okay. I was thinking the spa was too wonderful to give up on, but if you are cool with it, I am.”

“Mom, it’s about the journey, not the goal.”

That’s when you know they listen.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Homekeeping / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
17
Jun 13

homekeeping 9

“But dad, I don’t want that kind of putter. I know what I want and I’m paying for it with my own money. I’ve researched this putter on the internet. Dad, I know what I want.”

As they drove away without a new putter, Will’s stomach started to act up.

Once they arrived home from that day’s dad visit, both kids unleashed.

“He doesn’t know anything about golf. Why is he telling me how to spend my own money?”

“Why do we have to go to his office for visits when he only sees us two times a week?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 16 Comments
4
Jun 13

Narcissists in Glass Houses

There is a wall of glass separating the narcissist from everyone else. This isn’t the kind of glass found in the famous proverb about people in glass houses. You can’t throw a stone and break this glass. This is impenetrable, thick, cold glass.

You can see the narcissist because that’s how he wants it. You can see him preen and strut and show his face to the sun.

You can hear the narcissist and his word salads. You hear his mockeries and his bragging and his endless stories of his successes.

You will encourage your children to stand against the glass so that he may see them better. When he doesn’t notice, you will exaggeratedly wave and point at your kids so as to try to get his attention.

He won’t be watching. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Survivor Support — 3 Comments
29
May 13

The Sweet and the Sour

Guest Post by Zaira

“And that’s why I hate my dad…” is what I heard after I explained what happened in mediation yesterday.

I can’t hide it.

I can’t shield him from the sour truth of his dad’s greed, ruthlessness, and revenge.

There will be items obviously missing from the home. I can explain why I agreed to give him these things that disrupt our space. I can look to the sweetness and say we can save for new things and bit by bit have our own way. But, I can’t explain WHY his dad is the way he is. I can talk about NPD. I can talk about his childhood and how it contributed to this disorder. But I can’t explain WHY he doesn’t get it.

WHY does he need our things when he has his own?

“He has three wine racks, why does he need one more?”

WHY doesn’t he see that the stuff he gains will ruin him in the eyes of his son.

“And that’s why I hate my dad…”

We looked at each other and without words understood the struggle.

We have to accept that we are the sweet and he is the sour.

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
16
May 13

In Good Company

Over chocolate milk, Rice Krispies and coffee we had a venting session about yesterday’s dad visit. It used to be that our rants were punctuated with tears and “How long do we have to do these visits?” Now the rants are filled with laughs, OMGs, “Can you believe hims?” and “How long do we have to do these visits?”

“Why does everything have to be about him?”

“You know the answer, Bud. It’s like the ground shifts under him when things stop being about him. He needs everything to be about him to have some sense of control. It doesn’t make sense. It’s frustrating. Imagine what it’s like to live like that.”

Continue reading →