Posts Tagged: survive

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 15 Comments
21
Feb 12

On Determination and the Power in Words

which ones words hold power?Sitting on the cold pew, with the stiff lace collar scratching the tender skin of her neck, she glanced sideways to see them reading those black books.  She assumed there must be power in the words since they gathered together every Sunday to read from the same book.

She doubted how much power could be in those tiny black letters on the filmy pages since there were hardly any pictures mixed in.

It was when they stood to sing that she felt a surge of energy.  The people seemed lighter when they were singing – less dreary.  Were the words in the songs more powerful, or did the music imbue the words with magic?

__________

When she learned to read, she discovered the magic found in words and books.  She claimed a favorite corner in the school library – the only one with a window.  She’d sit in the quiet with a stack of books and inhale the scent of library dust, which smelled nothing like ordinary house dust which she’d scattered to new corners with a Pledge-soaked cloth. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
12
Feb 12

Be Mine

Dear Valentine,

I’ve been waiting for you.

I knew you’d come around.

I knew you’d get to a point where you’d finally see your own beauty.  I knew that chip on your shoulder would heal and the anger would dissipate.

There is so much of you to love.

Your tender, compassionate heart never lets you give up.  Your enthusiasm and belief that goodness will prevail is a contagious quality.  The wisdom acquired from making mistakes and the lessons learned gives you a depth of character that is your most attractive quality.

You are graceful but still able to be silly; patient as well as spontaneous; and ready to laugh at yourself because you stopped taking yourself seriously.

You know you still have a lot to learn, and you aren’t afraid to change course in order to learn more.

Your actions back up your words.  You’ve stated your priorities and you invest your time and energies in those priorities.  You are an inspiration because of the choices you’ve made.

You are beautiful when you run around in your leopard print bathrobe and fuzzy red socks in the morning, before a shower, sipping cold coffee because you are busy with kids, feeding the cat, answering emails, stoking the fire, figuring out what to make for dinner, and swapping loads between washer and dryer.

You are beautiful when, with a kind voice, you announce that you need a break, and escape to the couch with a book and a steaming cup of Earl Grey.

You are beautiful flying down a ski hill, laughing at your own failed attempts at trying to catch your kids.

You are beautiful when you give what you can, but hold back before reaching the point of having nothing left to give.

You are beautiful when you cry during mushy movies, at the end of a great book, or when you look on your kids’ artwork.

You are beautiful when you let your kids follow their passions, even if it means you have sprouting potatoes in glasses of water in the window sill, ski wax all over the garage floor, and paint brushes in every corner of the kitchen.

You are beautiful when you try and fail and own your mistakes with grace and humor.

You are most beautiful when you keep trying without letting resentment cloud your heart or disappointment keep your spirit hidden.

I love that even on a crappy day, you are capable of finding beauty in stormy skies, piles of clean folded laundry, and a dinner that manages to please three different appetites.

I love the person you are now,  but I also love knowing that you haven’t arrived yet.  I can’t wait to see who you become.

I love that you’ve chosen to be kind to yourself.  I love that you know what you are worth and what you deserve.

Anyone would be fortunate to call you Valentine.

Won’t you be mine?

 

 

 

 

Moving On / Quotes / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 20 Comments
7
Feb 12

S.O.S.

…there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own,
 that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
 determined to do the only thing you could do —
 determined to save the only life you could save.
– Mary Oliver

 

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
3
Feb 12

They Said

They said, “How bad can it be?  He doesn’t beat you.  He doesn’t gamble.  He isn’t gone every weekend.  You have a nice home.  How bad can it be?”

They said, “You know, it’s not easy being a single mom.  There will be lonely nights.  It’s a lot to handle by yourself.  Are you sure this is what you want?”

She said, “I don’t want to hear your reasons for leaving him.  I think he’s wonderful.”

He said, “I thought you were the perfect couple.  You looked like you were happy.  Wasn’t he making enough money for you?”

And when I started this blog, they said, “You shouldn’t dwell on all this negative stuff.  It just isn’t healthy for you or the kids.  Leave all this toxic stuff behind you.”

…

After I’d been writing for over two years, and the kids and I had clearly grown and worked through a laundry list of issues, they said, “Well, where are you going to go with this now?  You’ve survived.  You’re thriving, even.  You’ve clearly come out the other side and you’ve made great progress.  Why are you still writing about surviving narcissism?”

__________

This morning I received an email.  She said, “I saw the comment that came from another corner of the world.  I see how many there are.  I see how they all wonder if they might be crazy. I see how this impacts children.  I see how this might help.  I get it now.”

 

I knew she would.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 23 Comments
24
Jan 12

You Can’t See Me Until I Do

There is an undercurrent of truth seekers in the river of life.

They are everywhere.

Some carry backpacks full of self-help books.  Some can be seen taking a Myers-Briggs Test at the corner table in Starbucks.  Some fill yoga classes.  Some do Tai Chi on a sunny afternoon at the park, and they don’t care who might be watching.

Some might meditate.

Some might write in a dog-eared journal. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool / Moving On / Parenting / Seeing My Path / Tools — 21 Comments
17
Jan 12

A Work In Progress

I am a work in progress and so is this blog.

First, some chronology to set the stage:

5 1/2 years ago –  Stuff three boxes, buckle two young kids into car seats, leave husband,  nice house, financially secure future, perpetual stomach aches and nicest yard* I’ll ever tend.

5 years, 5 months ago – Discover NPD and naively present the concept to narcissistic husband and helplessly watch as message falls on deaf ears.

5 years, 3 months ago – Buy tiny, cozy, safe home for the three of us.  Put holes in walls, roll in grass that is never fertilized, refuse to make beds, leave projects out in plain sight, smile and laugh every day.

4 years, 4 months ago – Youngest starts public school.  Take a temporary, part-time job with family.  Rush between commitments like every other family in the U.S.  Stomach aches start to make a reappearance.

4 years ago – Divorce is finalized. Kids seem to be coping well with divorce, not so well with public school. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 18 Comments
13
Jan 12

Tales From Moving On

She hadn’t written him a letter explaining. She hadn’t told him she was leaving. She didn’t realize – until she saw her hands putting her journal, a laptop, and some clothes in a box – that she was leaving.

As she packed, her mind wasn’t going over the possibilities of what would come next.  She hadn’t made a six-month plan or a five-year plan.  She hadn’t given serious consideration to finding work or a house.  She didn’t know what she’d tell friends and family.

She needed to breathe.

In order to breathe, she would have to leave her marriage.

As she packed, her thoughts were consumed with, “What do I need to take with me because I am never coming back here.” Her hands operated as if on auto-pilot. Her demeanor was calm and determined. She didn’t frantically start grabbing things from the kitchen cupboards. She methodically filled one box with a few necessities for starting a new life. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 20 Comments
9
Jan 12

They Look Through You

Whether it comes from years of looking inward, or years of not seeing clearly, I don’t know.  Their eyes take on a cloudiness that makes it look like they have a difficult time focusing on the rest of the world.

You will feel yourself fighting the urge to hold a magnifying glass between yourself and the Narcissist, but it won’t help.  If you aren’t careful, they’ll use the magnifying glass against you.  They’ll find your flaws and use them to illustrate the fact that they are superior to you.

They’ll point out that they cook eggs better than you, or sweep the floor better or dress better or laugh easier.

 

The Making of a Narcissist Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 60 Comments
5
Jan 12

The Day She Gave Up On Herself

She hadn’t planned to turn her back on herself.  She didn’t wake up one morning and say, “This feels like the right day to put myself aside for this relationship.”

It just happened.

Like so many things just happen.

 

Team Players Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Quotes / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
28
Dec 11

Idea Magnets

Great minds discuss ideas.
Average minds discuss events.
Small minds discuss people.
– Eleanor Roosevelt
 

 The other day we stopped at a convenience store to pick up corn nuts and Cheetos for a road trip.  We placed our stuff on the counter and the clerk said, “So have you heard about the theory that if a train started out today and …. speed of light….  circling the globe…..   rate of speed…..  it would arrive in the year 2032?”

Don’t quote me on that because, honestly, I didn’t understand a word he said, but he sparked an entertaining conversation that lasted the first 30 miles of our road trip.

We have a new friend that fixes us chicken pot pie and brownies and chats with us – even kids* – about things like past lives, quantum physics, philosophy and art.

For several days after one of those dinners, Will can be heard saying, “Is that really a chair, or do you just think it’s a chair?”  Jenny will say, “Is it really that windy out, or do I just think it’s that windy out?” Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations / Tools — 20 Comments
12
Dec 11

When You Don’t Want To Go Out There

dance-partnerIt’s cold outside.

I won’t know anyone there.

I can’t go dressed like this.

Everyone will be younger.

Everyone will be older. Continue reading →

Parenting / Random Observations — 15 Comments
8
Dec 11

If It Isn’t One Thing, It’s Your Period

old-white-shedThey could have banished me to the old white shed.

I wouldn’t have blamed them.

In desperation, I came up with a plan to try and establish balance in our home.

I wanted to go back to bed.

I wanted to eat everything in sight. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 15 Comments
5
Dec 11

I Want to be a Sparkly Turquoise Scrunchy

turquoise-scrunchy

It sat there for six days.

I couldn’t bring myself to put it away.

In my typical state of doing too many things at once, while talking to Will, brushing my teeth and straightening the bathroom, I almost tossed it in the cupboard.

But I stopped myself.

I had grown to like the look of it.

Really.

I’m okay.

I swear.

__________

I liked its simpleness.

I liked its sparkles.

I liked that it barely left a slight shadow.

I liked how it stood out amongst the things it sat beside.

I liked how it waited patiently until it was pressed into service.

I liked that it didn’t have an identity crisis, and knew completely and without a doubt what it was expected to do.  It might be worn on a tiny wrist or twisted into a doll’s hair, but it had a single, primary function that it performed better than most anything else.

It didn’t care that it was no longer in style.

It didn’t care that it wasn’t used very often.

It levitated happily, in its place, letting its shiny threads brighten our day.

Oh… to be a Sparkly Turquoise Scrunchy.

Homeschool / Parenting / Random Observations / Tools — 14 Comments
30
Nov 11

What Do You Need To Be Happy?

I could have said, “Geez you guys!  I can’t handle this stuff laying around everywhere!”

I could have said, “I want more time to do what I love, instead of having to pick up after you two!”

I could have said, “I need a break from this mess!”

I could have said a number of things, but while I was washing off the metaphorical dirt in the shower, I hatched a better plan.

It went something like this:

Take out a piece of paper. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 17 Comments
28
Nov 11

Ignore the Two Steps Back

One step forward, two steps back.

One step forward, two steps back.

One step for……

 

I know, already!

 

 

Yet I can be found grumbling, kicking rocks and beating myself up with each one of those steps taken back.

 

My cheerleader voice says:

“Focus on the progress.”

“See how far you’ve come.”

“Hello, Girl!  You are way better off now than you were five years ago!”

“It’s okay to slip up once in awhile.”

 

And because I was never a cheerleader in real life – is high school real life? – I gravitate to the curmudgeon side of me that says:

“Why do you let him get to you?”

“Wow, Jesse, way to emulate grace and poise,” in a most facetious tone.

“Hello?  Have you forgotten what the pattern is here?”

 

And then the wise old soul in me – the one who lightens up, the one who doesn’t take all this shit too seriously, the one gently encouraged by the Universe, the one whose cup is empty says:

“Jesse, it’s okay.”

“That’s what it’s like to be human.”

“Slip-ups happen on the way to progress.”

“You are showing your kids that it’s okay to make a mistake, own it, and move on.”

“Remember that thing about the bitter and the sweet?”

“Just keep moving, honey, and don’t put so damn much emphasis on those two steps back.”



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