A child’s world is full of boundaries – boundaries designed to keep her out of harm’s way and help her get along in society.
“Stay on this side of the fence.”
“Don’t go beyond the hill.”
“Don’t play in the street.”
“Keep your hands to yourself.” Continue reading →
The sun warmed our shoulders as the chairlift brought us to the top. I put my arm around Jen and snuggled her closer. “In your next life, I hope you pick a good dad.”
Jen laughed and said, “Oh! I will.”
“Tell me about him. What’ll he be like?”
Swinging her skis she said, “Well, he’ll listen to me. And he’ll be interested in me.”
“Oh, that’s good. That would be nice. What else?”
“He’d read a lot, but also be interested in working on projects with me. And he’d be funny, but not embarrassing funny. He’d put up with a mess and not yell.”
Our skis were swinging together as we continued to climb.
“So mom, tell me who you’d pick to be your dad next time.”
“Oh, like you, I guess. He’d listen and be interested in me. He’d read and be funny. I’d like him to be kind and compassionate. He’d appreciate craft projects and art and still hunt and fish. He’d be nice to kids and old people and animals.”
Jenny looked at me and said, “Oh yeah! He’d have to be nice to animals. What else?”
“Well, he’d understand that family is more important than work and that relationships come first.”
I looked at Jen, “Would you care what your dad looked like?”
“Nah, I don’t think it matters, do you?”
“No, it doesn’t, but I don’t want him to be too clean. Know what I mean?”
Jen flinched, “Oh ick. I know what you mean. Yeah, not too clean.”
As we approached the top of the lift, we scooted forward to the edge of the chair to get ready to ski off. I laughed, feeling a bit embarrassed. “Wait. I’m not sure if I’m describing a dad or a partner.”
We skied down the off-ramp and Jen yelled, “They are a lot the same!”
Fanfare is for narcissists.
That’s why – without all the folderol – I’m telling you that my books are available for free on Smashwords.com. Visit my page on their site and click through to enter the codes*.
Seeing My Path is a series of conversations I have with myself over a few road trips to a plateau outside the town where I live in Montana. Sometimes humorous and often self-deprecating, the conversations are an assessment of some of the crappy choices I’ve made. The convo progresses to the wake-up call that sends me in a new healthy direction. I’m still heading in that direction today. (Thankfully.)
When you get to smashwords.com, enter the code LU97P for Seeing My Path.
Words Got Her Home is a compilation of quotes and pictures that motivated me to get off the old path and stay on this new one. It’s a quick read that I still refer to on some of my “down” days.
When you get to smashwords.com, enter the code RN36H for Words Got Her Home.
If you’ve enjoyed this blog, I think you’ll enjoy the books.
I’ve been on this path for awhile. I’ve learned a lot about narcissism – enough to help myself and my kids learn to live a thriving life even while still dealing with narcissism.
It’s my goal to help others dealing with narcissism – especially kids.
The codes will be effective until February 22.
Please.
Get the books.
I hope they shed some light and encourage you on your path.
Thank you for being here.
*You can either visit smashwords.com and search for Jesse Blayne, or click on my page.
“Will, you’re blinking a lot. What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
“Is it about the trip?”
“No. Yeah. I dunno… I guess.”
I put down my mug and said, “Tell me.” Continue reading →
“Mom, what is normal, anyway?”
“How do you mean?”
“Is it normal to wear mismatched socks?”
“Well, it’s normal for you.”
“Is it normal to like crafts more than TV?” Continue reading →
The kids were standing at the check-out with the next books in the Percy Jackson series and I was taking in the beautiful quilts on display at our public library. I didn’t need a book. I was part way through three different books and I knew I didn’t have the brain space to start something new.
One quilt caught my eye. It was suspended over the “New” books section, so I walked over to get a closer look. The quilter had a great sense of which colors go well together – purples and teals – and a good eye for negative space, which isn’t easy to do in a quilt. I turned to meet up with Will and Jen and I noticed the book. It jumped out at me. It was probably the word – narcissist – that caught my attention.
I could find that word in a haystack.
I’d been thinking that I’m all done with reading about narcissism. Time to move on. I’ve learned enough. But… the title intrigued me. It referred to my role in these relationships with narcissists.
Perhaps I have more work to do. Continue reading →
You are wonderful!
You are kind and talented and smart and courageous and funny and caring.
You may even be gorgeous with a sense of style that magazines try to capture.
You might have worked long enough to get that hard body that some women crave. Continue reading →
We’d gone into the lodge to make sure she wasn’t getting frostbite. She made faces at me while I rubbed her tender cheeks to get the circulation back. “Honey, keep gently rubbing your cheeks. The white spot will go away as you warm up.” She patted her face and said, “Remember when dad was at the house the other day and he looked at my mermaids?”
“Yeah. That was Thursday.”
“Well, I forgot to tell you what he said.”
“About the mermaids?”
“No, about the mermaids, he just nodded his head and said, ‘I like them. You did a good job.’ But he said something else, too.” Continue reading →
Ho Ho Ho!
It’s been a crazy year, hasn’t it? And you have been SO good. More than that, my friend, you ARE good. Every part of you is good, from your deeds, to your thoughts, to your disagreements with your sister, to your spilled glasses of milk.
Yes! It’s true. I’m here to tell you that no matter what you’ve been told, you are GOOD.
It’s hard to tell sometimes, isn’t it? Sometimes you get a look or a feeling from your dad or mom that leaves you thinking that you aren’t measuring up. Well NOTHING could be further from the truth. See, when they give you that look, they are frustrated with who they are. That’s right! They are mad at themselves. I know it sounds weird. I know it doesn’t feel that way. I know it doesn’t make sense that this big powerful adult is taking their frustrations out on you, but that’s what they do. They can’t help it.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. You already know that I have two lists – the Naughty List and the Nice List. You’ve probably been worried that your name is on the Naughty List. Well, your name is on the Nice List – of course it is, Silly! I promise. My Naughty List contains all the names of the narcissistic parents. Continue reading →
“Underlying all of the constant campaigning needed to uphold this position is a profound vulnerability that lies at the very core of his psyche. Such is the narcissist who must mask his fears of inadequacy by ensuring that he is perceived to be a unique and brilliant stone. In his offspring he finds the grave limits he cannot admit in himself. And he will stop at nothing to make certain that his child continually tries to correct these flaws. In actuality, the child may be exceedingly intelligent, but has so fully developed feelings of ineptitude that he is incapable of believing in his own possibilities.”
– Joshua Braff, The Unthinkable Thoughts of Jacob Green
“I know… you think waders would make fishing that much better, but we’ve both heard the stories of them filling with water. I don’t want you to end up bobbing down the river with your head under water. You need to do some research. Let’s learn a bit more and figure out which waders to stay away from. You can make that part of school today.”
“So mom, here’s a guy who says that he can walk in the river better when he takes in a little water. He says it makes it easier to maneuver.”
“Nice. And how many years has he been fishing? Hey, did you get the other stuff on your list done before Googling fishing waders?”
“Mo…..om. I’m done with the other stuff. Here’s a guy who has a pair that has drainage holes and some draw strings around the neck and waist.” Continue reading →
“Your coffee’s always better than mine.”
“That’s cuz you had someone else make it for you. Here… have a little more.” She fills both mugs and reaches for the half and half.
“Thanks, Ann. Look, she’s up on the roof. Is she cleaning her chimney?”
“Yep. This morning she was up there cleaning her gutters and trimming tree branches.”
“Why doesn’t she hire that stuff done?” Continue reading →
Get some help.
Oh, I know you think you don’t need help. I know you think the problem lies with everyone else. I know you think that you have life figured out and the rest of us have to catch up.
I know of your childhood. I know it was awful. Someone – your mom or dad – had you believing you weren’t good enough. In order to survive, you pretended to be good enough. You created an image of some kid you thought your parents wanted you to be. Or you created a self that was tough, impenetrable and cavalier so as to protect yourself. At the end of each school year, more and more layers were added to this image.
By the time you graduated, you couldn’t wait to get out of their house. You had survived, but you forgot who you were. You packed your bags – the clothes belonging to the guy you created – and your ways of behaving, and you left to start your adult life. Continue reading →
She was born with wings – just like everyone else in the forest. Like theirs, her new wings were tender, fragile and craving the warmth of the sun.
In those first few years, she’d been fortunate enough to dance in the sun on the light side of the forest. She didn’t spend a lot of time on the light side, but when she was there, she felt her wings stretch and reach and show their splendor. She would crave that joyful feeling her whole life.
Most days she could be found tiptoeing under mushrooms on the dark side of the forest. She kept her wings folded close to her back. When her wings were tucked in, she felt protected and safe from harm.
When she wasn’t exploring under mushrooms, collecting rocks or planting seeds, she would venture out to see what she could see. There she would find others – some with wings tucked in, and others with their wings spread. Those with spread wings moved about talking of the shapes of mushrooms or the colors of moss or the mess of pine needles covering the forest floor. Continue reading →
Invite the narcissist in your life to go to the movie you’ve been waiting all summer to see, but only if you dare. If it isn’t his idea, he won’t like the movie, and he won’t spare your feelings by pretending to like the movie. He’ll exit the theater, after sleeping through most of the film, and say something like, “Yeah, this was one of those movies.” Those movies aren’t on his list – his master list of all things approved by him.
Tell the narcissist in your life that you’ve grown two inches this summer and that you are running out of jeans, but only if you dare. He may agree to take you shopping, but not to the places you like. He won’t mince words when telling you which jeans he likes, and which jeans he hates. He never likes the jeans you like. He will look at your little sister and say,”Where’d you get that top?” When your sister tells him the name of the shop, he’ll shrug his shoulders as if to say, “No wonder.”
You will come home with new jeans that you don’t want.
