Child of Narcissist « Surviving Narcissism

Child of Narcissist

A Page From a Thriver’s Life

She sips coffee under the Sumacs (that he would never let her grow) while the cat (that he would not let her have) rubs against her ankles.

She has the whole glorious day ahead of her. She will skip breakfast if she wants. She’ll read, before chores, from a book that was on her own reading list.

She could fry up potatoes with onions and peppers and add too much cumin seed and spill too much salsa on too much cheese and not give a second thought to carbs.

She’ll walk when she wants, where she wants, for as long as she wants.

Or she won’t walk at all. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
30
Jul 13

You’ll Get There

One day you’ll be sitting at your computer and you’ll open your inbox.

You’ll see your ex-husband’s name and you’ll think, “Crap!”

You’ll take a sip of coffee and think to yourself, “Geez, this day started out so well. It’s not too hot out this morning. The coffee’s excellent. The kids are still sleeping and I have a bit of time to gather myself for the day. And then this – an email from him.”

“Damn.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations — 11 Comments
22
Jul 13

On Goddesses, Full Moons and the Wisdom of a 10 Year Old

We were walking to the park. The day’s heat was turning into the moist cool of night. “So… that was probably the longest phone call you’ve had with your dad in as long as I can remember?”

“Yeah. Whew! A lot… of questions.”

“Well… what do you think?”

“What I am supposed to think?”

“I said that wrong. How do you feel?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 4 Comments
17
Jul 13

A Survivor’s Cheat Sheet

The green index card in my purse is my backbone fortifier. The card contains notes on how to handle verbal attacks. A friend on Twitter sent me a link to Martha Beck’s post on the subject. I had to create a short-hand version of Martha’s approach so as to fit it on one side of the card. I wanted a quick cheat sheet to refer to when necessary.

(No, I haven’t actually pulled the card out in front of an attacker. Not yet.)

I refer to this card when I’m standing in line at the grocery store. I re-read this card when I’m in the parking lot waiting for Will to finish 18 holes. Looking in my purse to find chapstick, I see the green of the card and I’m reminded of the key points.

Here’s the version that has helped me.

1. Fighting Stance. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Random Observations / Stories — 12 Comments
2
Jul 13

The EMBB – A New Category in the MBTI

“Here, let me turn down the radio. I didn’t hear that one.” We are driving down the main thoroughfare in town, heading to pick up Will at the golf course. It’s sunny and warm. We are in full-on summer mode – looking forward to running through the sprinkler and barbecue that evening. The smell of sunscreen wafts out the window as we make the next turn.

We haven’t had a dad visit in a few weeks.

Life is good.

Somebody stop the clock.

Please.

“What did you say?”

She flicks her long blonde braid off of one shoulder, lowers the window and sticks her arm out of the car. “Don’t you think there are EMBBs?”

“What are EMBBs?”

“Well, you know how you are an INFJ, I am an ITP* and Will is an ENFJ?”

“Yeah. Go on.”

We turn into the parking lot of the course and I am trying to figure out the letters. E has to be extrovert. I assume it’ll be something about her extroverted brother that is driving her nuts.

“EMBB is for Extroverted Meanie Bo Beanie.”

“Ha! That’s perfect! Do you think there might also be some IMBBs then?”

“Sure. They’re just a little quieter about their meanness.”

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
21
Jun 13

Huh?

This morning I saw a tweet that linked to an article about a guy who said he has felt like an ATM machine ever since his divorce.

I didn’t read the article.

I feel for the guy.

For a nanosecond I wondered if Mark felt the same way. There’s no need for me to wonder since he has told us plenty of times – actually lectured in the way a nun might do just before she slaps the back of your hand with a ruler – that the only reason we get in touch with him is because we need something.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Homekeeping / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
17
Jun 13

homekeeping 9

“But dad, I don’t want that kind of putter. I know what I want and I’m paying for it with my own money. I’ve researched this putter on the internet. Dad, I know what I want.”

As they drove away without a new putter, Will’s stomach started to act up.

Once they arrived home from that day’s dad visit, both kids unleashed.

“He doesn’t know anything about golf. Why is he telling me how to spend my own money?”

“Why do we have to go to his office for visits when he only sees us two times a week?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Words Got Her Home — 4 Comments
7
Jun 13

Put The Shovel Down

Put the shovel down and appreciate the progress made.

The endless lists – not just the ones posted on the kitchen cupboard, but the ones cataloged in her mind – had helped to get her here. Those words had changed her. She’d certainly improved. When comparing herself to where she’d been even six years ago, she’d come a long way.

Breathing was easier. Sleep was deeper. Certainly her kids were happier. But why was she still dealing with an ever-present dark shadow? Why would she wake enthusiastic and light-footed only to run headlong into the shadow by day’s end?

She’d stop long enough to sit with an iced tea and settle her mind – to the extent that she could. She’d approach her thoughts like an efficient, eager-to-please administrative assistant organizing piles on her desk into Handle Now, Needs More Info, Suspends, and Circular File.

Which of the thoughts were coalescing into the dark shadow? Which thoughts continued to haunt her? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 16 Comments
4
Jun 13

Narcissists in Glass Houses

There is a wall of glass separating the narcissist from everyone else. This isn’t the kind of glass found in the famous proverb about people in glass houses. You can’t throw a stone and break this glass. This is impenetrable, thick, cold glass.

You can see the narcissist because that’s how he wants it. You can see him preen and strut and show his face to the sun.

You can hear the narcissist and his word salads. You hear his mockeries and his bragging and his endless stories of his successes.

You will encourage your children to stand against the glass so that he may see them better. When he doesn’t notice, you will exaggeratedly wave and point at your kids so as to try to get his attention.

He won’t be watching. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Survivor Support — 3 Comments
29
May 13

The Sweet and the Sour

Guest Post by Zaira

“And that’s why I hate my dad…” is what I heard after I explained what happened in mediation yesterday.

I can’t hide it.

I can’t shield him from the sour truth of his dad’s greed, ruthlessness, and revenge.

There will be items obviously missing from the home. I can explain why I agreed to give him these things that disrupt our space. I can look to the sweetness and say we can save for new things and bit by bit have our own way. But, I can’t explain WHY his dad is the way he is. I can talk about NPD. I can talk about his childhood and how it contributed to this disorder. But I can’t explain WHY he doesn’t get it.

WHY does he need our things when he has his own?

“He has three wine racks, why does he need one more?”

WHY doesn’t he see that the stuff he gains will ruin him in the eyes of his son.

“And that’s why I hate my dad…”

We looked at each other and without words understood the struggle.

We have to accept that we are the sweet and he is the sour.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Random Observations — 18 Comments
23
May 13

Beware of Nice Narcissists

Nice feels good. Nice looks good.

Nice smooths rough edges, makes conversations less awkward, and hides ugliness.

There’s a plaque above my cupboard that says, Because Nice Matters. Another sign at the front door reads, Be nice or go away.

For a long time, I firmly believed that the world would be better off if we would all be a little nicer. What if we always made casseroles and brought them to those recuperating from surgery? What if we remembered birthdays and sent cards? What if we gave up our seat on the bus and held the door and remembered to shut our mouths when we couldn’t think of anything nice to say.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
16
May 13

In Good Company

Over chocolate milk, Rice Krispies and coffee we had a venting session about yesterday’s dad visit. It used to be that our rants were punctuated with tears and “How long do we have to do these visits?” Now the rants are filled with laughs, OMGs, “Can you believe hims?” and “How long do we have to do these visits?”

“Why does everything have to be about him?”

“You know the answer, Bud. It’s like the ground shifts under him when things stop being about him. He needs everything to be about him to have some sense of control. It doesn’t make sense. It’s frustrating. Imagine what it’s like to live like that.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / My Minimalism / Random Observations — 2 Comments
13
May 13

My Elevator Pitch

I’m on my way to a dentist appointment. I’m wearing a cotton skirt, sandals, a faded denim blouse and a smile. I can’t remember the last time I wore nylons or had a manicure. I’m thinking about how much more garden I have to turn up before we get to start planting. I make a mental note to stop at the hardware store after the dentist. I’ll get washers to fix the hose, check out the bedding plants and grab a bag of briquettes. It’s warm enough for burgers on the grill tonight. The sun tea should be ready in time for dinner.

The elevator doors close and a woman in a tailored business suit turns, looks me up and down and says, “So what do you do?”

“Hi.

Um.

Well…

I guide two outstanding young people through the minefield of dealing with a narcissistic parent. I homeschool, practice living on a budget, and work from home. I wrote a couple motivational books for those in difficult relationships, and I’m working on a novel. I blog about narcissism to shed light on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Through stories and pictures, I show how good life can be when brave steps are taken to leave an abusive relationship. Creativity, humor and harmony are on my list of priorities, right after my kids, reading and sleep. I drink too much coffee and try not to take myself too seriously.

Thanks for asking.

What do you do?”

The doors opened. As she stepped one heel out of the elevator, she looked over her shoulder and said, “Are you hiring?”

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Random Observations — 8 Comments
3
May 13

Spiders Versus Narcissists

I watched the desert dust go down the drain and reached for a towel. As I stood up after wrapping my hair, I saw the spider. It had been hiding in the folds of the towel, minding its own business. I stepped from the shower and laughed at myself.

In the old days, I’d have let out a scream. I learned to stifle screams at a young age. The best deterrent for a little girl is to have her dad make fun of her when she screams at a big hairy spider. (Those screams inside my head were louder than the ones I dared to let out.)

More recently, I would have grabbed a shoe and attacked the critter. If Jenny had been standing there, I would have gone into action and saved the day.

I pulled the shower curtain closed, leaving the spider to crawl up the damp stall.

I got to thinking about what scares me now.

I’m not afraid to travel alone with two kids.

I’m not afraid of heights, but I do hang on to Will and Jenny when they venture too close to the edge.

I’m not afraid of the dark or spiders or monsters under the bed.

I’m not afraid of strangers or big cities or camping in the woods.

I’m not afraid of wrinkles or gray hairs or mirrors. (I am making progress on getting over my fear of swim suits.)

I’ve lived with narcissists.

Not much scares me any more.

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
28
Apr 13

You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide From a Narcissist

Leaving town is easy. As you take off from the runway, you will breathe deep and relax. You may even splurge on a cocktail for yourself and a couple of pops for the kids. You will count out loud the number of days that will happily pass without the stress of a dad visit.

She will exclaim at the wonder of being surrounded by family members who think she is wonderful. She will not guard against snide comments. She will wear her hair however she chooses. She may not even pack socks. She will smile until her cheeks hurt.

He will laugh louder and not worry about saying the wrong thing. He may not have to accommodate for several days because he will be with people who love him even if he doesn’t spend each moment trying to please them. He will pull pranks and howl at the moon.

You will relax knowing your kids will be respected, enjoyed and nurtured. It’ll be okay if they are loud and a little messy. You won’t have to coach them about what to say and what not to say.

Continue reading →