Tools « Surviving Narcissism

Tools

A Book Doesn’t Steal The Covers

A book doesn’t care if you fold the laundry “correctly.” A book doesn’t care what time you put dinner on the table. As far as a book is concerned, you never have to sweep the floor.

A book doesn’t expect anything from you. It doesn’t get mad at you if you have other projects to tend to. A book contentedly waits for you to find a moment to return to it. You can give it 100% of your attention, or let it set there, by the bed, for weeks, before opening it up again. Either way, you aren’t in trouble.

A book doesn’t get jealous of your friends or your family or your successes or the other books you’ve read. A book doesn’t continually remind you of your failings, unless it’s one of those preachy self-help books, but it’d be healthier to stay away from those books anyway.

A book never gives you the stink-eye, or the silent treatment.

A book doesn’t mind if you eat while reading it. It doesn’t care if you dog-ear its corners, or smear a skosh of peanut butter on one of its pages, although the thought of that makes me cringe. Continue reading →

Random Observations / The Bartender / Tools — 4 Comments
25
Sep 14

Self-Awareness Isn’t About You

“Hey, what are you doing on this side of the bar?”

“I just finished my shift.” The bartender closed his composition notebook and reached for his glass. “How are you?”

She sits on the next stool, “I’m well. I’ve got about an hour before picking up the kids.” She smiled across the bar to the next shift’s bartender, “I’ll have a coke, please.” After finding her wallet she said, “So, Hank, what are you writing?”

Hank hesitated, “I’m working on a paper about self-awareness.” He slid the notebook to the side. “There’s a fine line between self-awareness and self-absorption. I want to illustrate that self-awareness – contrary to what most folks think – isn’t really about you. Maybe I should say that it shouldn’t be about you.”

“I’m not sure I get where you’re going.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homekeeping / Homeschool / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Tools — 16 Comments
23
Jun 14

homekeeping 10

It seems I’ve entered my Nanny McPhee Period when grey hairs corkscrew from the top of my head and adult onset acne gets comfortable and refuses to leave. I know this isn’t a beauty blog, but I’ve discovered a couple products that have made this phase slightly less Nanny McPhee-like, and it wouldn’t be right not to share.

I haven’t the bravery to Google – “How Long Will I Keep Getting Periods” – because if there’s a woman out there who is still getting periods well into her senior years, I don’t want to know about her. I don’t want to know that I could be that empty-nest woman, in her 60s (because I will be close to 60 by the time Jen leaves, if she decides to do so), traveling to Italy, sipping red wine at a lovely cafe and having to excuse herself from the intelligent conversation at the quaint bistro table for two because she’s having a “period” emergency.

I can handle many things, but I’m not sure I want to know how long I’ll have to deal with periods. No, I won’t be doing hormone replacement therapy. I’m the anti-chemical, left-over hippy, who doesn’t put anything on her lawn, doesn’t own a microwave, and has never colored her hair. I will not be taking some sort of chemical supplement to help me through this phase, even if that would keep my kids from wanting to kill me or move into their dad’s house once a month. (Come to think of it, my mood swings are sure to bring about that empty nest.)

Primrose Oil has kept my kids from packing their bags. I don’t know why it works. I don’t care. It keeps me from wanting to slash the neighbor’s tires when he leaves his car running while he’s in his house obviously looking for his car keys. Primrose oil keeps me from hiding under the covers until my period passes. I love this stuff. If I’m telling you about it, that means it works. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 2 Comments
3
Feb 14

Helping Kids Set Boundaries

A child’s world is full of boundaries – boundaries designed to keep her out of harm’s way and help her get along in society.

“Stay on this side of the fence.”

“Don’t go beyond the hill.”

“Don’t play in the street.”

“Keep your hands to yourself.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
11
Jan 14

Leaving or Staying*

The kids were standing at the check-out with the next books in the Percy Jackson series and I was taking in the beautiful quilts on display at our public library. I didn’t need a book. I was part way through three different books and I knew I didn’t have the brain space to start something new.

One quilt caught my eye. It was suspended over the “New” books section, so I walked over to get a closer look. The quilter had a great sense of which colors go well together – purples and teals – and a good eye for negative space, which isn’t easy to do in a quilt. I turned to meet up with Will and Jen and I noticed the book. It jumped out at me. It was probably the word – narcissist – that caught my attention.

I could find that word in a haystack.

I’d been thinking that I’m all done with reading about narcissism. Time to move on. I’ve learned enough. But… the title intrigued me. It referred to my role in these relationships with narcissists.

Perhaps I have more work to do. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Tools — 2 Comments
24
Dec 13

A Gift

The gift – a small, tightly wrapped package – arrived on her doorstep. She looked up the street to see who might have left her this surprise. She saw no sign of the giver.

She slowly untied the bow, all the while wondering what could be inside, and who could have left her this gift. She tore at the wrapping and opened the box to find layers of white tissue paper. She parted the sheets of tissue to find a smooth stone. The stone was flat and round and coolly fit in the palm of her hand.

She discovered letters carved on one side of the stone. The message read, “That is about you.”

“That is about you.”

She said it over and over again in her mind. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 4 Comments
17
Jul 13

A Survivor’s Cheat Sheet

The green index card in my purse is my backbone fortifier. The card contains notes on how to handle verbal attacks. A friend on Twitter sent me a link to Martha Beck’s post on the subject. I had to create a short-hand version of Martha’s approach so as to fit it on one side of the card. I wanted a quick cheat sheet to refer to when necessary.

(No, I haven’t actually pulled the card out in front of an attacker. Not yet.)

I refer to this card when I’m standing in line at the grocery store. I re-read this card when I’m in the parking lot waiting for Will to finish 18 holes. Looking in my purse to find chapstick, I see the green of the card and I’m reminded of the key points.

Here’s the version that has helped me.

1. Fighting Stance. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 11 Comments
25
Mar 13

On Mermaid Tails and Handy Tools

He shut off the blender and yelled from the kitchen, “Mom, do you think it’d work to put some of those leftover brownie crumbs in my milkshake?”

“Sure. Try it. It’d be like a Blizzard.”

The blender starts whirring.

I look at Jenny and say, “Honey, I know that when we first talked about emailing your dad, we agreed that it wouldn’t make a difference. But it’s been a week now, and I know it’s still bugging you. Have you changed your mind? Do you want me to let him know how you are feeling?”

She looked up from the sewing machine and pushed the shimmery purply-blue fabric to the side to keep from sewing the end of the tail closed. “I don’t think I wanna make it so I can walk in it. Mermaids don’t walk anyway.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path / Survivor Support / Tools / Words Got Her Home — 4 Comments
1
Mar 13

Help In The Night

She wanted to switch on the light, but she didn’t dare wake him. On those sleepless nights, if the moon wasn’t too bright, she could see stars through the skylights above their bed. Maybe one day, when she was free to pursue her own interests, she’d learn the constellations – Cassiopeia, Orion and the others. The names made her think of possibility.

Possibility was what she needed to believe in right now.

Was it possible to feel good again?

Was it possible to create a healthier life – better than this life full of fears and disappointments and anger?

She gently turned back the covers and stepped out of bed. She had tiptoed down the stairs enough times in the dark to feel her way down without bumping into anything. Once downstairs, she could turn on a light, slide out the drawer in the office desk, and reach into the back for a small, innocent-looking spiral notepad. The pages were worn. The pad was almost full. She had turned down corners on pages that held the notes that touched her most deeply. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes / Tools — Comments Off
23
Feb 13

Words Got Her Home

Mantras, prayers, meditations, famous quotes,
personal Post-Its, and journal entries –
these are the words I used to move on
and create a better future for myself and my kids.

This new ebook is a compilation of the powerful words
that made a difference in our lives.

Find Words Got Her Home on Smashwords.com or Amazon.com.

Thanks for reading!

Homeschool / My Minimalism / Parenting / Random Observations / Tools — 4 Comments
19
Feb 13

Getting To Mindful

I’d swear my body was in the chair next to the fire. I could see the cat curled under the wood stove. Will was wearing a head lamp, while sitting in the rocking chair. Jen was camped in her favorite corner. They were both quietly reading.

I was reading a myth from Women Who Run With the Wolves, and I lost track of time and place. I was completely immersed in the story, focused on the words on the page. I finished a chapter, looked up from the book and glanced around to see what I had missed.

They didn’t notice. Apparently, it’s easier for kids to get lost in books. I’d forgotten what that was like.

I didn’t think about having to feed the wood stove or break up a fight between kids. The television wasn’t blaring, the dishes were done. There was no other place to take my mind to.

It was delicious. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Survivor Support / Tools — Comments Off
24
Jan 13

Survivor Support

In Survivor Support, I will call your attention to a new commenter who reaches out to us for encouragement or guidance or a compassionate ear.

We have created a most healthy group of wise individuals who send positive ripples out whenever needed.

It’s time to send more ripples.

Survivors and Thrivers, please see Kristin’s comment on this post.

Thanks,

Jesse

My Minimalism / Random Observations / Tools — 1 Comment
1
Nov 12

Stopping the Noise

Stop for a minute and look around you.

Let your eyes fall on something you would normally ignore.

Focus on the negative space that surrounds a Starbucks go cup. Notice the way the arm of a chair curves to meet the seat. Appreciate the pressed corners of the collar on a charcoal grey wool coat.

See the color of the cement when it’s wet. Try to think of the name of the color of a curled leaf. Is it amber? Is it burnt umber?

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
24
Oct 12

They Have Narcissism Radar

“Hercules was a big strong guy with long wavy hair. Personally, I think he was a narcissist.” (The answer to one of her worksheet questions on Greek and Roman Mythology.)

“Mom, I’m positive Marie Antoinette was a narcissist – look at this picture. She ordered a special palace to be built, just for her.”

“Who did Napoleon think he was, anyway?”

While watching the Grammys: “Mom, do you notice that it’s not about the music, it’s all about what they look like? Do you have to be a narcissist to make it in music?”

They See Narcissism Everywhere

“Mom, do you figure only narcissists drive Escalades. That name just sounds narcissistic.”

“Male lions have to be narcissists, why else do they sit around preening and expecting everyone to adore them?”

“Mom, don’t you think irises are narcissists? Just look at ’em. They stand up taller than the other flowers and then they die fast if they are neglected.”

“Mom, I love peacocks, but they act like narcissists.”

“Mom, you know all the Disney Princesses are narcissists, right? Cinderella is the worst. She’s always standing in front of the other princesses fanning out her dress to hide the dresses of the other princesses.” (You can’t make this stuff up.)

“Mom, do you think Tiger Woods is a narcissist? Why else would he act that way on the course and treat his wife the way he did?”

Even cakes can be narcissists. “Does that cake really need that much frosting and decorating? It’s screaming for attention. It has to be a narcissistic cake.”

“Mom, you can tell from the outside of a building, if a store caters to narcissists.”

When it comes to the necessary tools for surviving narcissism, their narcissism radar may be the most effective.

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 Comments
28
Aug 12

The Narcissism Survivor’s Tool Box

Braced against the sheer, shaley side of a ravine, holding the handle bar of his bike, he yelled, “Dad! Dad, I need help here. I’m about to lose my bike! Dad! Help!” He was torn between letting his bike fall to the 15 foot pool at the base of the ravine, or worse, falling with his bike.

He was able to reach his water bottle. After taking a sip, he tried to yell again, but he couldn’t get his dad’s attention. He would have to hang on longer.

He waited, balanced on the brink, wondering why he’d agreed to go on another one of these all-day adventures.

The adventures had gotten better now that he was older, but he still ended up with an upset stomach from the exposure and risk that his dad took for granted.

Continue reading →