Posts Tagged: divorce

Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 9 Comments
30
Jan 17

Go Quietly in the Direction of Your Change

in the direction of changeTell your mom, if you want.  You might even tell your dad.  Telling your parents depends on your relationship with them.  Remember, you don’t owe them anything.

You don’t need to tell your kids.  If you tell them now, and it takes a while, they’ll sound a lot like, “Mom?  Is it today?  Is it happening today?  When?  Mom, when is the change gonna happen?”  You don’t need that kind of pressure.

Depending on the relationship you have with your BFF, you may want to wait to tell her.  But …  if you can’t tell her right away, she’s not the BFF you think she is.

I have no idea how to predict how a guy responds to anything, so whether you tell him, or not, is up to you.

I do know, though, that if you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s better not to tell him or her at all.  Make the change.  See if they notice.  If they bring up the change, then be prepared to discuss, or more accurately, listen. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
30
Jul 16

On Being Dismissed

Mega Supreme-nessEvery month this blog gets visited by souls who search, “Why did he dismiss me?” or “Why have I been dismissed?”  or “She dismissed me, does she love me?”

In all these years of writing, reading and learning about narcissism, I’ve seen many differing opinions on why the narcissist chooses to dismiss.

  • The narcissist dismisses you when you stop being her source.
  • You’ve been dismissed because he has found a more enthusiastic source.
  • She dismissed you because you no longer buy into her grandiosity or her Mega Supreme-ness.  (Good for you!)

    • Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Words Got Her Home — 18 Comments
29
Jun 16

Here We Go Again … Or Not

here we go againI had planned to check out the third in the Harry Potter Series, but some lucky kid, who finds him or herself with long, empty summer days, got to it first.  Even with an ongoing list of books I’m dying to read, if I go to the library with one particular book in mind, it’s impossible for me to switch gears.  But since I can’t go home empty handed, I stopped to see what’s in the New Books.

 

__________

 

To preface things a bit, I must explain that I’ve believed in reincarnation since I was in high school.  I don’t remember why.  (I recently learned that INFJs struggle with remembering much of their childhood, and that certainly applies, in my case.)  Also, as an INFJ, I wasn’t influenced by a friend or a relative.  But in that way that INFJs have, I simply knew (more like felt) this belief in reincarnation and karma was right for me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
18
Apr 16

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 13

hyacinthPerhaps you are that strong person who has no problem saying no to the narcissist.  Maybe you enjoy challenge and confrontation.  When you needed elective credits, you enrolled in Jousting 101 and got an A.  You rock boats just to see how people react.  But, if you’re an INFJ, you avoid confrontation like you avoid the mall on Christmas Eve, or any other time of the year.

 

She couldn’t say no to the narcissist.

She tried.  She could be heard saying, “No?” in an indecisive, up-talking, frightened mouse-like voice, if a mouse were a 1st grader testing the waters after his teacher asked him to push in his chair.  And even though that mouse had squeaked out his little no, he still pushed in his chair.

She never said no in the beginning, of course.  Who says no in the beginning of a relationship?  Why risk losing something so sweet?  There is nothing to say no to when you are in the throes of passion and red flags aren’t on your radar. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
8
Dec 15

Safety Versus Money

Safety is fragileIn hind sight, the choice was a no-brainer.  Of course any sane person would choose safety over money.  But, dammit, one more hit from the narcissist and I was starting to lose my sanity.

We’d given him official notice that we were moving – six weeks in advance of the move date.  Prior to our little family meeting where we delivered the news, he had expressed his suspicions – to the kids – about a pending move.  He wasn’t surprised.

I was the one who was surprised.

The week before our move, in an uncharacteristic one-line email, he informed me that he was lessening his financial support of the kids.  I could almost hear him saying, “Take that for moving.  Take that for taking my source.  Take that for going on to live a happy life without me.”

I did not reply to his email.  I have not spoken to him or written to him since before we moved. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 11 Comments
13
Feb 15

When Your Dad is a Bully

Dear Experts in Childhood Development,

I am divorced from my children’s father.  You’ve told me over and over again that I’m not supposed to bad-mouth their father – especially to my kids.  You have told me that if I do so, I’m also hurting my kids.

You also give me advice on how to handle bullies.  I’ve learned that we are supposed to have open discussions at home about bullies and bullying behavior.  You’ve said that in order to prevent bullying, we have to talk about it and call it what it is.  You tell me that these conversations must happen in order to make the world a safer place for kids.

My kids’ dad is a bully – he’s a narcissistic bully – and yet you tell me I can’t call him any names.

I’m confused.

You encourage me to call the bullying kid on the playground a bully, but I’m not supposed to call their dad a disparaging name.  Isn’t that a contradiction?  Isn’t that creating more confusion around the whole issue of bullying. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 9 Comments
16
Jan 15

Confessions of An Ex-Facilitator

ski trailsWill thought if we left a little later, the timing would be off and we wouldn’t run into him, but when we pulled into the parking lot, we saw him getting out of his car.

Crap.

In my optimistic, nothing-will-ruin-our-day voice I said, “It’s okay.  He knew we were going to be here.  He knows we don’t get to do a mid-week escape very often.  He hasn’t asked to ski with us.  This will all work out.  Trust me.”

Will said, “I just wanna ski with you two today.  We never get to ski just the three of us.”

I lifted a pair of skis to my shoulder and said, “It’ll work out.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 18 Comments
18
Dec 14

This Wasn’t The Plan

ice on barbed wireThis wasn’t the plan – to be a single mom in my 50s, raising kids by myself.

I had planned to be happily married at this point.  I thought we’d all ski together and travel together and watch movies together.  I thought he and I would marvel at how brilliant our kids are – together.

I thought we’d laugh at being older-than-the average parents of young kids – together.

I thought we’d reconnect after the kids were gone and spend our retirement years skiing, traveling and watching movies – just the two of us.

  Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
4
Dec 14

You Might be a Narcissist

copper bowlYou might be a narcissist if you don’t know your kids.

 

You might be a narcissist if you haven’t seen them in their comfort zones, when they talk in silly voices and make each other laugh so hard they almost cry.

You might be a narcissist if you haven’t noticed how they hold their arms close to their sides to guard themselves from your criticisms.

You might be a narcissist if you don’t know how you hurt them when you dismiss them.

 

She won’t dance in front of you because she knows you’ll make fun of her.

He hasn’t told you about his Instagram account because you’ll tell him how to take pictures.

 

You only see them when they are perfect reflections of you, but that’s not who they are.

They do have people in their lives who really see them for who they are, but that wouldn’t occur to you.

 

You don’t even know that you don’t know your kids.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
30
Nov 14

It’s About Him

porcupine pin cushion“It’s about him, honey.”

“But I feel sorry for him.  He’s all by himself on Thanksgiving.  How come he didn’t call us?”

“Well, he made a series of choices that brought him to the point where he’s alone on Thanksgiving.  I understand that you feel sorry for him.  You’ve got the kindest heart.  Don’t let feeling sorry for him make you feel guilty – like there’s something you’re supposed to do about the situation.  A good dad calls his kids on Thanksgiving.”

Will chimes in, “You guys know why he didn’t call, don’t ya?  He didn’t call because I wouldn’t change my plans on Thanksgiving to do what he wanted me to do.”

“Yes, so now you’re both being punished with the silent treatment.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Opportunistic / The Bartender — 12 Comments
20
Oct 14

The Poster Child for Narcissism

don't tread on me“Hey, you’re new in here.  What can I get you?”

“Oh, just water for me.  I don’t like to lose control.”  He sits on a stool a couple spots away from a woman seated at the bar.  “I think my ex-wife comes in here.  I was hoping to run into her.”

The bartender laughed, “That’s not something I hear very often.  You want to run into your ex-wife?”

“Yes.  I’m selling my car and I’m hoping she’ll buy it for our son.”

The bartender slides a glass of water across the bar.  “Tell me about this car.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Moving On / Stories — 6 Comments
29
Jul 14

The Ending

the endingGuest Post by Anonymous

It ended with a coat…

An argument between my 12 year old son and my husband ended my 20 year marriage – all over a coat.

It was the Friday after Thanksgiving.  We had spent the better part of three days at our niece’s house, as I was helping her host her first Thanksgiving – for 20 people, no less.  We returned home Friday afternoon after a two-hour drive. I just wanted some quiet time so begged off from a housewarming party we were invited to attend.  Husband and son were preparing to go without me when a fight broke out between them over son taking a coat which husband deemed appropriate for the weather, one which son hated and refused to consider.  The fight escalated into an ugly scene – son locked husband out of house after being chased around the yard by him, in the dark. Continue reading →

Guest Posts / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Survivor Support — 4 Comments
21
Jul 14

A Beginning

George Clooney's crescent wrenchSix months on the other side of divorce, this Thriver has fought the good fight, and now she’s ready to see what’s next. She’s optimistic about whatever the future may hold.  She knows it’s going to be tough to go it alone again, especially while raising a child, but she’s open to possibility and the opportunity to try again.

Maybe…  maybe a new beginning.

 

Guest Post by Anonymous

 A Beginning Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / Stories / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
16
Jun 14

On Telling the Narcissist No

calm watersThe family had split into separate canoes some time ago.  Initially, the paddling was difficult.  The water was choppy and the canoe carrying the mother and the two children took on water more times than not.  The father was in a canoe by himself.  He didn’t seem to mind the rough waters.  Truth be told, he seemed to prefer making waves and watching the other three struggle to keep their canoe afloat.

In time, the three found their rhythm.  They paddled in sync and enjoyed the view.  It wasn’t always smooth sailing, but they became adept at riding out the storms.  They’d hunker down, breathe through the rapids, remember not to hang on too tightly (because that makes the ride more tense), and make each other laugh.

 

More recently, when his canoe approached, he’d be paddling more gently.  She dared to believe that he might not want to rock their boat anymore.  A couple sunny days found the canoes gliding side by side as the four exchanged stories of golf, fishing, and fairy gardens.

One afternoon, both canoes were beached as the four discussed a possible journey to be taken by the father and the two children.  The mother was included, and they all smiled through the conversation.  The talking was easy.  Each opinion was heard.  The children were asked to think about the proposed adventure and let the father know, the next day, if they planned to go with him. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homeschool / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver — 7 Comments
29
May 14

“We Were Brainwashed!”

playground“Hey!  Nice to see you!  Isn’t this new play structure wonderful?”

“Do you live around here?”  She helped one of her two navigate the climbing wall.

“Yes, that house on the corner.  How about you?”

She pointed in the opposite direction and said they lived that way.  “Geez, I guess the last time I saw you was at the grocery store?  How’ve you been?  Is Jen playing hooky today?”

“We’ve been homeschooling for about four years now.”  I turned to watch Jen navigate the monkey bars. Continue reading →

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