Posts Tagged: front lines

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 11 Comments
13
Feb 15

When Your Dad is a Bully

Dear Experts in Childhood Development,

I am divorced from my children’s father.  You’ve told me over and over again that I’m not supposed to bad-mouth their father – especially to my kids.  You have told me that if I do so, I’m also hurting my kids.

You also give me advice on how to handle bullies.  I’ve learned that we are supposed to have open discussions at home about bullies and bullying behavior.  You’ve said that in order to prevent bullying, we have to talk about it and call it what it is.  You tell me that these conversations must happen in order to make the world a safer place for kids.

My kids’ dad is a bully – he’s a narcissistic bully – and yet you tell me I can’t call him any names.

I’m confused.

You encourage me to call the bullying kid on the playground a bully, but I’m not supposed to call their dad a disparaging name.  Isn’t that a contradiction?  Isn’t that creating more confusion around the whole issue of bullying. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 20 Comments
5
Feb 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 10

tiny turtleBecoming a parent changes you. There is no way to know who you will be as a parent, until you become a parent. Your partner changes, too, in many unexpected ways.

It is dangerous to make assumptions based on love and affection.  Even so, she made plenty of assumptions that would prove to be her undoing.

 

She had assumed that her partner would make parenting a priority.  Even if he had avoided playing an active role in the pregnancy, he’d have to make parenting a priority.  Wouldn’t he?  How could she marry someone who wouldn’t make parenting a priority?  She figured that was a given, so she didn’t have those important conversations beforehand.  She didn’t ask, “Will you juggle your time to make kids a priority?  Will you cut back on recreation to help out, knowing that it won’t be long before we can all go as a family?  Will you delegate at work so as to create more time for home?  Will we parent as a team?  Will you change diapers?  Are you okay with breastfeeding?  Do you refer to it as ‘babysitting’ when you have the kids with you?”

She avoided those conversations – maybe because she knew the answers and didn’t want to admit it.  INFJs avoid conflict. Continue reading →

Control / Random Observations / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 Comments
31
Jan 15

You’ve Been Gaslighted

You've Been GaslightedYou’ve been gaslighted if you feel backed into a corner and told you are “too sensitive” for your own good.

 

If you second-guess your thoughts, re-read your sent email file and wonder if you ought to try to be kinder …

If the mere thought of seeing that person gives you an upset stomach …

If you normally sleep well, but lately you wake in the middle of the night to re-visit conversations, wondering how you could have been so misinterpreted … Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes / Random Observations / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
26
Jan 15

On Eye Contact with a Narcissist

eye contact“I was watching your eye contact as you visited.  That was weird.  Your eyes were tearing up when he was talking to you, but it was a friendly conversation.  What was that about?”

Jen wiped her eyes.  “I can’t look at him without my eyes watering.  It’s uncomfortable – not like I’m gonna cry, but more like my eyes hurt.  So I pretend like I’ve got an eyelash in my eye and I keep rubbing them.  It’s just really uncomfortable to keep my eyes on him for very long when he’s talking – or any time.”

I turned to Will, “What do you think?”

Will shook his head, “I feel the same way.  It’s hard to look at him for long.  Oh, and I feel myself getting anxious when I try to tell him something.  Like I’m afraid he’ll criticize what I say, so I say it fast so I can get it over with, and then I sound like I’m slurring my words.”

I said, “Yeah, and then you open yourself up for more criticism.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 9 Comments
16
Jan 15

Confessions of An Ex-Facilitator

ski trailsWill thought if we left a little later, the timing would be off and we wouldn’t run into him, but when we pulled into the parking lot, we saw him getting out of his car.

Crap.

In my optimistic, nothing-will-ruin-our-day voice I said, “It’s okay.  He knew we were going to be here.  He knows we don’t get to do a mid-week escape very often.  He hasn’t asked to ski with us.  This will all work out.  Trust me.”

Will said, “I just wanna ski with you two today.  We never get to ski just the three of us.”

I lifted a pair of skis to my shoulder and said, “It’ll work out.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
4
Dec 14

You Might be a Narcissist

copper bowlYou might be a narcissist if you don’t know your kids.

 

You might be a narcissist if you haven’t seen them in their comfort zones, when they talk in silly voices and make each other laugh so hard they almost cry.

You might be a narcissist if you haven’t noticed how they hold their arms close to their sides to guard themselves from your criticisms.

You might be a narcissist if you don’t know how you hurt them when you dismiss them.

 

She won’t dance in front of you because she knows you’ll make fun of her.

He hasn’t told you about his Instagram account because you’ll tell him how to take pictures.

 

You only see them when they are perfect reflections of you, but that’s not who they are.

They do have people in their lives who really see them for who they are, but that wouldn’t occur to you.

 

You don’t even know that you don’t know your kids.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Kids are People / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
30
Nov 14

It’s About Him

porcupine pin cushion“It’s about him, honey.”

“But I feel sorry for him.  He’s all by himself on Thanksgiving.  How come he didn’t call us?”

“Well, he made a series of choices that brought him to the point where he’s alone on Thanksgiving.  I understand that you feel sorry for him.  You’ve got the kindest heart.  Don’t let feeling sorry for him make you feel guilty – like there’s something you’re supposed to do about the situation.  A good dad calls his kids on Thanksgiving.”

Will chimes in, “You guys know why he didn’t call, don’t ya?  He didn’t call because I wouldn’t change my plans on Thanksgiving to do what he wanted me to do.”

“Yes, so now you’re both being punished with the silent treatment.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / The Bartender — 13 Comments
11
Nov 14

How Much Do I Tell Them?

still life with glass jug“How much do I tell them? How do I help my kids with their narcissistic mom, without running their mom down and making them feel worse? What’s the right thing to do?”

The bartender dries a wineglass and hangs it from the rack above his head.  “That’s a tough one.  It depends on the ages of your kids.  It depends on how close they are to their mom.  It depends on whether they have a support network besides you.  It depends on a lot of things.”  The bartender heads to the end of the bar to take an order.  When he returns he says, “See that kid at the end of the bar?”

“The one who looks like he’s crying in his beer?  Is he all of 22?”

“That’s the one.  I knew his folks.  They brought out the worst in each other, and it spilled over onto their kids.  The mom could manipulate anybody and the dad let it happen.  Not much he could do about it, really.  She was good.  But instead of sticking up for his kids or defending them from her tactics, he let them fend for themselves.  Now look at the kid.”

“He looks like he’s mad at the world.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Random Observations / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
4
Nov 14

Narcissist in Our Midst

moss and red candleHe entered and the energy changed.

He quickly surveyed the other people in the room.  She sensed that he was measuring himself against the others to make sure he was the tallest, the best dressed and the one in control.  When offered a glass of wine, he thanked the hostess in a way that was over-the-top.  It’s just a glass of wine.  Why the show of being so gracious?

The conversation began with a few sputters.  One brought up the weather.  Another tried to mention the upcoming holidays or the busyness down at the school.  It wasn’t until he brought up a subject that the conversation took off, except it was more of a lecture, or a lesson, or a monologue of his observations.  He shared his philosophy about how the school might be run better, even though he had no experience running a school.  He gave us his take on the best way to raise children, even though he rarely saw his older children.  (She wondered if they’d had enough of him when they were growing up, and they’d moved far away for a reason.)

If another tried to interject, he’d politely correct them.  “Oh, I understand you feel that way, but what I’ve learned is that it’s this way.”  If another tried to switch the topic, he’d hijack the new topic and bring it back around to himself, his experiences, and his vast amount of knowledge.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 8 Comments
30
Oct 14

On Being the Teenage Son of a Narcissistic Father

Boo!His eyes roll as his hand makes the universal symbol for “one who talks too much.”  He paces the floor and occasionally says, “Uh huh.”

My teenage son is on the phone with his narcissistic father.

He will listen anywhere from 20 to 35 minutes.  He’ll hear about his dad’s work issues, car issues, and plans for skiing and fishing trips.  He’ll learn of his dad’s ailments, frustrations, and current obsessions.  He’ll discover what his dad watches on TV, what his dad is reading, and whether he has mastered his new cell phone.

The son will be asked if his ski gear still fits.  He’ll be told that his father has been shopping for him.  The son will cringe and give me a look that says, “Here we go again.”

  Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 10 Comments
23
Oct 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 9

tiny clogsThere are many books offering guidance for new moms.  Someone needs to write the book about how to coexist with a narcissist who takes no interest in the joy of a new life.

While she buried her head in the books propped up on her swollen belly, she avoided the voices that told her she was alone in this new venture.

___________

Some women crave pickles and some crave mint chocolate chip ice cream.  She had cravings, too, but they had nothing to do with food.  She had a deep craving for the sound of his voice asking her how she felt or if she was afraid.  She craved his touch.  She wanted – needed – to be held and comforted.

He rarely looked at her.  She noticed that as her waist expanded, he looked at her less and less.  Out of desperation, she pointed at her stomach and said, “I’m sorry I look like this.”  He said, “Well, what did you expect?  That’s what pregnancy does to a body.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Opportunistic / The Bartender — 12 Comments
20
Oct 14

The Poster Child for Narcissism

don't tread on me“Hey, you’re new in here.  What can I get you?”

“Oh, just water for me.  I don’t like to lose control.”  He sits on a stool a couple spots away from a woman seated at the bar.  “I think my ex-wife comes in here.  I was hoping to run into her.”

The bartender laughed, “That’s not something I hear very often.  You want to run into your ex-wife?”

“Yes.  I’m selling my car and I’m hoping she’ll buy it for our son.”

The bartender slides a glass of water across the bar.  “Tell me about this car.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Quotes / Stories / Survivor Support — 6 Comments
14
Oct 14

The Difference Between Can’t and Won’t

all that ocean and not a narcissist in sightGuest Post by Jenn

Way back in May of this year I was dealing with issues stemming from the sideline Narcissist in my life.  I call her a sideline Narcissist because she doesn’t live in my home, or in my town, but she very much influences my life because she raised my husband.  Thank the Gods he managed to survive his childhood and now we have our own little darlings, who are also influenced by the sideline Narcissist.  But I digress.

Back to the issue the sideline Narcissist was inconveniently causing back in May.  After I had sent out an email to extended family members letting them know that we wouldn’t be traveling to Kentucky as we normally do, the husband received an email from his mother.  She stated she would like the kids for two weeks in July and then again for another two weeks in August – at her house, which is ten hours away from where we live.  The big problem here is that my MIL cannot physically handle the rigors of caring for two very active young boys plus their sister for more than a few days.  She wanted them for two weeks at a time.  Cue the drama where the sideline Narcissist does a happy dance.

So the husband and I actually agree that his mother cannot have the kids for two weeks.  Then we even go so far as to agree that he should go with the kids for their one-week visit.  We then agreed that he would talk to his mother about why she couldn’t have the kids by herself.  And that’s where all the happy dancing on my end stopped because although the husband said he would talk to her, in reality it wasn’t happening.  I even gave him a date to have it done by, since he’s horrible at procrastinating.  That date came and he hadn’t had the TALK.

We were in July now, and I was angry – grinding my teeth and harrowing-in-my-gut angry – when I saw him.  Because what I saw was that he wouldn’t talk to his mother even though it was in his kids’ best interests. He didn’t want me talking to the sideline Narcissist about this problem because I was “too aggressive” –  in his words.  Whereas what I saw was that he was entirely too passive.  So I sat in my anger and I felt my body drawing in around me, and at some point I got tired of the anger.  It takes a lot of energy to maintain that kind of anger and I didn’t want to do it anymore.  So I pulled myself aside and had a chat.  The fancy schmancy counseling degree I have teaches you certain skills.  So I asked myself what I would do with some random dude off the street who walked in and had an angry wife and a mother he couldn’t talk to.  And that’s when it hit me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 12 Comments
17
Aug 14

On Soft Landings and a Rare Night Out

a rare night out“So what if I kept the conversation going on your projects? I’ll ask the questions and then maybe dad will join in. What do you think?”

We were taking a long walk through the neighborhood, trying to come up with a plan to suit both kids for the next day’s dad visit.  As we walked, we watched charcoal storm clouds build south of town.

That should have been my first clue.

Jen said, “I know how that will go.  I’ll answer you and start talking about a project, and he’ll quit listening, like he always does.”

Jen walked to the edge of the street when she saw a car coming.  Will had to be made aware of the car.  (That pretty much sums up my experiences parenting a boy and a girl.) Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Moving On / Stories — 6 Comments
29
Jul 14

The Ending

the endingGuest Post by Anonymous

It ended with a coat…

An argument between my 12 year old son and my husband ended my 20 year marriage – all over a coat.

It was the Friday after Thanksgiving.  We had spent the better part of three days at our niece’s house, as I was helping her host her first Thanksgiving – for 20 people, no less.  We returned home Friday afternoon after a two-hour drive. I just wanted some quiet time so begged off from a housewarming party we were invited to attend.  Husband and son were preparing to go without me when a fight broke out between them over son taking a coat which husband deemed appropriate for the weather, one which son hated and refused to consider.  The fight escalated into an ugly scene – son locked husband out of house after being chased around the yard by him, in the dark. Continue reading →

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