infj « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: infj

The INFJ Chameleon

*As told by the Spirit Guides, because I’ve got to believe they can see auras.

Jon pointed at a woman leaning against a tree. “Look at hers, Margaret. It’s pulsing with silver and turquoise. What does that mean?”

“If I’m not mistaken, Jon, that means she’s very intuitive and compassionate. She might be a healer of some sort. That one there,” Margaret pointed to a fellow who appeared to be angry with his phone, “his is bright yellow.”

Jon turned to look. “What does bright yellow mean?” Continue reading →

Oh! The Feelings!

“So you know, since your classes are at night, we won’t be having dinner together.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s right.”

He’s organizing his papers and looking at his new schedule. Many pieces have fallen into place to bring him to this point. It has been hectic around here. He’s starting this school sooner than we had expected, and we haven’t considered all the ramifications. I know it hasn’t occurred to him that we won’t be having dinner together. He’s the one who wanted to take his classes at night. He’s a night owl. This is perfect.

It’s dumb that I bring up the dinner thing, but it had just dawned on me. Dinner has always been a big deal to me. As much as I may not want to cook some nights, I love that time of the day when everything that can be done is done, and we can eat dinner and “hit relax mode.”

He zips up his backpack and says, “How are we going to do dinners?” Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 4 Comments
13
Nov 16

The INFJ and the Pomegranate

My mom tells the story like this:

You were in 5th or 6th grade and I’d just gotten home from work. I was putting dinner together and asked, “How was your day, honey?”

“It was okay.”

“How was recess?”

“Recess was crazy. All the kids were chasing each other and running all over the playground.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 2 Comments
4
Oct 16

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 14

If you’ve read this far, and you aren’t an INFJ ….

Let’s be real. The only reason you’d read this if you aren’t an INFJ is because you are my mom or my aunt. We know that narcissists wouldn’t read this series, so we’ll rule them out.

If anyone other than an INFJ stumbled upon this series, they’d be saying, “What were you thinking? Why did you put up with that? Why didn’t you leave sooner? Hell! Why did you marry him to begin with? Maybe you are the one with the problems. YOU are the one with the issues. Why would you lose yourself in a relationship like that?”

To the INFJs reading this, I don’t need to explain. You know why I stayed as long as I did.

You, dear INFJ, are here to find some sort of compassion or understanding or an explanation. You want to know that you aren’t the only person (please stop calling yourself a fool) who would put up with so much bullshit. You want to believe that there are people out there who care about relationships as deeply as you do. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Words Got Her Home — 18 Comments
29
Jun 16

Here We Go Again … Or Not

I had planned to check out the third in the Harry Potter Series, but some lucky kid, who finds him or herself with long, empty summer days, got to it first. Even with an ongoing list of books I’m dying to read, if I go to the library with one particular book in mind, it’s impossible for me to switch gears. But since I can’t go home empty handed, I stopped to see what’s in the New Books.

__________

To preface things a bit, I must explain that I’ve believed in reincarnation since I was in high school. I don’t remember why. (I recently learned that INFJs struggle with remembering much of their childhood, and that certainly applies, in my case.) Also, as an INFJ, I wasn’t influenced by a friend or a relative. But in that way that INFJs have, I simply knew (more like felt) this belief in reincarnation and karma was right for me. Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path — Comments Off
22
Jun 16

Dear INFJ, Make Yourself A Priority

In the same way crows are attracted to shiny objects, INFJs are attracted to helping. It’s in our DNA. We are wired to listen and counsel. We naturally make others a priority.

“Oh, look! There’s a soul in trouble! I must reach out to her. Look, there’s an outstretched hand. I sense his need. I know I can offer some sort of comfort. I’ve got room on my list of priorities. It won’t take much. I’ve got kindness to spare and a few extra moments in my day.”

Is there anything better than helping one who wants help? Is there anything more gratifying than listening with compassion, being asked for help, and providing words or actions that make a difference?

(As I typed those last words, I thought of the few times I’ve been able to genuinely help, and how I felt so connected to the whole, when doing so.) Continue reading →

Kids are People / Parenting — 4 Comments
26
Apr 16

Tangling With A Snake

“Why do you back down? If you know you are right, why don’t you prove your point?”

I reached for a cup of Earl Grey. “I don’t like confrontation.”

“It’s not necessarily confrontation, though. Sometimes it’s just discourse. Two people disagree, they talk it out, and they come to an understanding. It’s not a big deal.”

I looked at Jen and she was shaking her head. “What do you think, Jen?” She shrugged her shoulders and refused to comment.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
18
Apr 16

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 13

Perhaps you are that strong person who has no problem saying no to the narcissist. Maybe you enjoy challenge and confrontation. When you needed elective credits, you enrolled in Jousting 101 and got an A. You rock boats just to see how people react. But, if you’re an INFJ, you avoid confrontation like you avoid the mall on Christmas Eve, or any other time of the year.

She couldn’t say no to the narcissist.

She tried. She could be heard saying, “No?” in an indecisive, up-talking, frightened mouse-like voice, if a mouse were a 1st grader testing the waters after his teacher asked him to push in his chair. And even though that mouse had squeaked out his little no, he still pushed in his chair.

She never said no in the beginning, of course. Who says no in the beginning of a relationship? Why risk losing something so sweet? There is nothing to say no to when you are in the throes of passion and red flags aren’t on your radar. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 21 Comments
15
Feb 16

The Art of Overthinking

It starts with a benign thought.

I look at Jenny and say, “I wonder what I should make for dinner. I’ll go look through the freezer.” As I walk downstairs and head for the freezer, I wonder about painting the basement and look at the pictures on the wall that would need to be moved, in order to paint. I see a landscape that my grandmother painted and I remember her friend, who taught painting, and where she lived and how her friend lived next to a gal I went to high school with and that gal now lives in Missouri and I start thinking of the flooding in Missouri and how many were forced to move; and I think of our move and wonder what people think of that and I think it doesn’t matter what they might be thinking, because what really matters is where I’m going to put a garden in the spring and that leads to thinking about what the forecast is for today and hmm… maybe I should make a pot roast for dinner, because it’s quite overcast out there and this weather calls for comfort food; and I wonder if this overly long sentence should have more commas (or is it semi-colons?) and then I think that I never have known when to use a semi-colon, and …

I look down and wonder why I am standing in front of the freezer.

This is the odyssey of overthinking. From my dreams, I would have to assume that overthinking occurs while I’m sleeping, too. For me, overthinking is my constant state of being.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
18
Dec 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 12

At this point, she’s an overwhelmed stay-at-home mom, an ineffectual facilitator for the kids and their father, a disappointing wife, and basically, a single parent.

While some women have a lengthy list of chores to greet them at the beginning of each new day, she had two lists – one of her chores, and one of her failures. It’s hard to enthusiastically fold towels or chop vegies for stir-fry, all the while knowing she’d be criticized for both. Certainly, the kids were a bigger priority than perfectly folded towels, but he didn’t see things that way.

She could handle his indifference toward her. She was used to it. By now, she was aware that she’d never perform well enough to meet his standards. But it broke her heart to think he held their precious kids up to the same standards.

She noticed his growing disdain for the oldest child, and the way he patronized the youngest. Was it all in her head? Most days he treated his kids as if they were mere inconveniences.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Parenting / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
14
Jul 15

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 11

Toddlers are not easy to control. They are messy, busy, loud and curious. If the narcissist expects a toddler to be some sort of positive reflection of the image he’s trying to portray, he’ll have his work cut out for him.

That doesn’t mean the narcissist won’t try to get his toddler to be a perfect reflection of him.

She had come to terms with the fact that she would be parenting on her own. He had even said that everything having to do with the child was “her domain.” At first, she felt alone and resentful. She hadn’t signed up to do this all by herself. As time went on, though, she was too busy to feel any resentment. Besides, she rather liked focusing all her energies on the child. The interactions were joyful – something she hadn’t felt with the narcissist since the beginning.

But, as one might expect, the more she focused on the child, the angrier the narcissist became. When a narcissist is angry, he attempts to control. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 3 Comments
22
May 15

On Being Seen

I’ll bet you aren’t being seen. I’ll go so far as to say that you probably don’t even know that you aren’t being seen.

You probably haven’t been seen your whole life, so you think that’s normal.

Maybe you haven’t been seen because you are an INFJ. INFJs don’t want to be the center of attention. They’re fine coming off a bit mysterious. They don’t necessarily want to be seen by many, but some of us do crave being seen by a chosen few.

You see others, though. You see their preferences – their likes and dislikes. You may see an image on Pinterest and know exactly whose house it fits. When you scan a menu, you know, before your partner knows, what he’s going to order. When you give a gift, you almost always hear, “It’s perfect! You know me so well!” Walking through a bookstore, browsing titles, you know which subjects your roommate gravitates to. You remember how folks take their coffee. You know who prefers a movie at home over a crowded theater. You know who likes cab instead of chardonnay. Continue reading →

Random Observations / The Bartender — 7 Comments
19
Feb 15

The INFJ and Lost Souls

“Hey, Hank. How are things?”

“Can’t complain, the bar is busy, the weather’s fine. It’s all good. What about you? What’ll ya have?”

“The dark stuff. Thanks.”

Hank filled a pint, stopping just before the foam spilled. He placed the beer in front of Joe. “Last time you were in here, it was Jack on the rocks. Did you figure things out with the woman?”

Joe laughed. “I’m still working on that. In the meantime, I gotta ask you – seeing’s how you’re the expert – about my sister.” Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Postcards From a Thriver — 4 Comments
20
Nov 14

They Aren’t Me

They can say what they want, but they aren’t me.

They can say, “Maybe you spend too much time with your kids.” They might say, “Maybe you need breaks from being a mom.” They have said, “You need to get out more.”

I smile and say, “Maybe.” I laugh and say, “Probably.” And what I’m thinking is, “It’s not my kids I need breaks from. I don’t need a break from being their mom, I need a break from being what others expect.” What I want to say is, “No! I need to stay in more!”

I smile, because I know where our center is. I know where the calm is. I know how to get the harmony back.

Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / The INFJ and the Narcissist - A Series — 10 Comments
23
Oct 14

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 9

There are many books offering guidance for new moms. Someone needs to write the book about how to coexist with a narcissist who takes no interest in the joy of a new life.

While she buried her head in the books propped up on her swollen belly, she avoided the voices that told her she was alone in this new venture.

___________

Some women crave pickles and some crave mint chocolate chip ice cream. She had cravings, too, but they had nothing to do with food. She had a deep craving for the sound of his voice asking her how she felt or if she was afraid. She craved his touch. She wanted – needed – to be held and comforted.

He rarely looked at her. She noticed that as her waist expanded, he looked at her less and less. Out of desperation, she pointed at her stomach and said, “I’m sorry I look like this.” He said, “Well, what did you expect? That’s what pregnancy does to a body.” Continue reading →