Posts Tagged: narcissistic behavior

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Survivor Support — 3 Comments
29
May 13

The Sweet and the Sour

Guest Post by Zaira

 

“And that’s why I hate my dad…”  is what I heard after I explained what happened in mediation yesterday.

I can’t hide it.

I can’t shield him from the sour truth of his dad’s greed, ruthlessness, and revenge.

There will be items obviously missing from the home.  I can explain why I agreed to give him these things that disrupt our space.  I can look to the sweetness and say we can save for new things and bit by bit have our own way.  But, I can’t explain WHY his dad is the way he is.  I can talk about NPD.  I can talk about his childhood and how it contributed to this disorder.  But I can’t explain WHY he doesn’t get it.

 

WHY does he need our things when he has his own?

“He has three wine racks, why does he need one more?”

WHY doesn’t he see that the stuff he gains will ruin him in the eyes of his son.

“And that’s why I hate my dad…”

 

We looked at each other and without words understood the struggle.

 

We have to accept that we are the sweet and he is the sour.

Child of Narcissist / Control / Random Observations — 18 Comments
23
May 13

Beware of Nice Narcissists

Nice feels good.  Nice looks good.

Nice smooths rough edges, makes conversations less awkward, and hides ugliness.

There’s a plaque above my cupboard that says, Because Nice Matters.  Another sign at the front door reads, Be nice or go away.

For a long time, I firmly believed that the world would be better off if we would all be a little nicer.  What if we always made casseroles and brought them to those recuperating from surgery?  What if we remembered birthdays and sent cards?  What if we gave up our seat on the bus and held the door and remembered to shut our mouths when we couldn’t think of anything nice to say.

  Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
16
May 13

In Good Company

Over chocolate milk, Rice Krispies and coffee we had a venting session about yesterday’s dad visit.  It used to be that our rants were punctuated with tears and “How long do we have to do these visits?”  Now the rants are filled with laughs, OMGs, “Can you believe hims?” and “How long do we have to do these visits?”

 

“Why does everything have to be about him?”

“You know the answer, Bud.  It’s like the ground shifts under him when things stop being about him.  He needs everything to be about him to have some sense of control.  It doesn’t make sense.  It’s frustrating.  Imagine what it’s like to live like that.”

  Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Random Observations — 8 Comments
3
May 13

Spiders Versus Narcissists

I watched the desert dust go down the drain and reached for a towel.  As I stood up after wrapping my hair, I saw the spider.  It had been hiding in the folds of the towel, minding its own business.  I stepped from the shower and laughed at myself.

In the old days, I’d have let out a scream.  I learned to stifle screams at a young age.  The best deterrent for a little girl is to have her dad make fun of her when she screams at a big hairy spider.  (Those screams inside my head were louder than the ones I dared to let out.)

More recently, I would have grabbed a shoe and attacked the critter.   If Jenny had been standing there, I would have gone into action and saved the day.

I pulled the shower curtain closed, leaving the spider to crawl up the damp stall.

I got to thinking about what scares me now.

 

I’m not afraid to travel alone with two kids.

I’m not afraid of heights, but I do hang on to Will and Jenny when they venture too close to the edge.

I’m not afraid of the dark or spiders or monsters under the bed.

I’m not afraid of strangers or big cities or camping in the woods.

I’m not afraid of wrinkles or gray hairs or mirrors.  (I am making progress on getting over my fear of swim suits.)

 

I’ve lived with narcissists.

Not much scares me any more.

 

 

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
28
Apr 13

You Can Run, But You Can’t Hide From a Narcissist

Leaving town is easy.  As you take off from the runway, you will breathe deep and relax.  You may even splurge on a cocktail for yourself and a couple of pops for the kids. You will count out loud the number of days that will happily pass without the stress of a dad visit.

She will exclaim at the wonder of being surrounded by family members who think she is wonderful.  She will not guard against snide comments. She will wear her hair however she chooses.  She may not even pack socks.  She will smile until her cheeks hurt.

He will laugh louder and not worry about saying the wrong thing.  He may not have to accommodate for several days because he will be with people who love him even if he doesn’t spend each moment trying to please them.  He will pull pranks and howl at the moon.

You will relax knowing your kids will be respected, enjoyed and nurtured.  It’ll be okay if they are loud and a little messy.  You won’t have to coach them about what to say and what not to say.

  Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting — 6 Comments
4
Apr 13

On Narcissism and Unconditional Love

love in the homeI see how you wince when I come running out of my bedroom with my braids flying, wearing socks that don’t match.  I’m not being lazy, you know, I like my socks this way.

I notice the way you won’t let me talk when others are around.  I know you are afraid that I could say something that will make you look bad.

Do you think I don’t see you roll your eyes when I show you my drawings?  There are lots of ways to draw trees, you know.  Your way isn’t the only way to draw a tree.

Do you think that I don’t notice the difference between how you treat me and the way you treat an adult when they walk in the room?  How come you are all nice to the grown up and you are impatient with me?

  Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 11 Comments
25
Mar 13

On Mermaid Tails and Handy Tools

He shut off the blender and yelled from the kitchen, “Mom, do you think it’d work to put some of those leftover brownie crumbs in my milkshake?”

“Sure. Try it. It’d be like a Blizzard.”

The blender starts whirring.

I look at Jenny and say, “Honey, I know that when we first talked about emailing your dad, we agreed that it wouldn’t make a difference. But it’s been a week now, and I know it’s still bugging you.  Have you changed your mind?  Do you want me to let him know how you are feeling?”

She looked up from the sewing machine and pushed the shimmery purply-blue fabric to the side to keep from sewing the end of the tail closed.  “I don’t think I wanna make it so I can walk in it. Mermaids don’t walk anyway.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 4 Comments
19
Mar 13

On Resiliency

Last night, no amount of bathroom humor would tease her out of her funk.  She plotted a daughter’s revenge – cryptic drawings on paper that would then be tossed in the wood stove.

I asked if she wanted to have a slumber party in my bed.  “I’ll tickle your back.  You can tell me anything or nothing at all.”

She brushed her teeth.  I braided her hair.   She pushed the cat aside and crawled in my bed and said, “I’m sick of all of this.”

 

___________

 

Today she discovered how to make different sizes of paper frogs.  She colored them brightly and called them Baby and Mommy and one of them was even Dad.  Right now she’s beating her brother at a dice game, and when a favorite song comes on Pandora, she dances by me twirling and whirling and smiling and not thinking about anything but good stuff.

 

That is the resiliency of kids.

 

That is the roller coaster of life.

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting — 25 Comments
15
Mar 13

“How Can I Help You”

I was stirring the fettuccine as the door closed behind him.  I looked over and noticed she didn’t look up. She didn’t speak.  She kept her head down as she focused on her project.

Dinner was almost ready to hit the table.  I turned to Will and said, “Buddy, dinner is close, but I’ve gotta talk to Jenny first.”

So what if the pasta was going to be mushy.

I pulled my stool next to Jenny and quietly asked her to look at me.  When she did I said, “Honey, I want you to know that I remember how that feels.  I know what it’s like to be in a room with my dad, have him talk to my brother, and leave before saying a word to me.  I know how that hurts, but I don’t want to project my feelings on to you.”

“What does project mean?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Stories — 9 Comments
9
Feb 13

When Narcissism Runs in the Family

Guest Post by Jenn

I never knew anything about narcissism until I married into a family with three narcissists.  It was years before I made this discovery, and in those early years, I felt like I was losing my mind.  The particular family I had married into managed to turn narcissism into a generational art, and so every single member of this family (including the one I married) thought that type of behavior was normal. (Quick note: my husband is not a narcissist.  He has his own issues, but narcissism isn’t one of them.)  And because I didn’t agree with it, fought against it, and generally rattled the glass on their pristine cage… well, let’s just say it didn’t really end well.

For many reasons, at least one of these narcissists is still involved in my personal life.  Because of this, survival skills are a must.  Something I have learned from spending 12.5 years with a dysfunctional family full of narcissists is they will eat you alive and spit you out with a smile on their collective faces if you let them.  Am I angry?  Yes.  Yes, I am.  But most of the time, I’m able to move past that to the aforementioned survival skills which (along with about a year of counseling from a wonderful therapist) have helped me to keep my sense of self when the world felt like it was falling apart all around me.

Listen to your body.  This sounds silly, but when I sat down and thought about how North American society teaches us to take medication and ignore our body’s reaction to something, it made much more sense to me.  If being in a certain situation or around a certain person (or people), habitually makes you fell ill, uncomfortable, or like you need to be on Xanax, chances are your body is screaming at you to get away from whatever it is.

Educate yourself.  Once you’ve made the discovery that something is really, REALLY bothering you, it might be a good idea to see what you can find out about it.  I found that reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) was very helpful in that it gave me an explanation for the behaviors I was seeing.

Get yourself some resources.  Jesse’s blog was like a warming balm on a spasming muscle when I found it.  There are other resources online, as well as books you can check out (or purchase, if you love highlighting as much as I do) that will give tons of information on NPD.  Another recent blog post that is very helpful can be found on TalkTherapyBiz.com. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Survivor Support / Tools — Comments Off on Survivor Support
24
Jan 13

Survivor Support

In Survivor Support, I will call your attention to a new commenter who reaches out to us for encouragement or guidance or a compassionate ear.

We have created a most healthy group of wise individuals who send positive ripples out whenever needed.

It’s time to send more ripples.

Survivors and Thrivers, please see Kristin’s comment on this post.

Thanks,

Jesse

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting — 12 Comments
23
Jan 13

Letter of Resignation

Dear Narcissist,

We resign as caretakers.

We will no longer protect you, make excuses for your behavior or come to your defense.  We will not sweep your abuses under the rug.  We will not pretend like your treatment is acceptable.

We will not allow you to manipulate us or control us.

You will not hurt us again.

We will not feel sorry for you.

I will not coach your children on what to say to you in order to keep the peace.  I will point out your behaviors to make sure that the children understand that they are not to be blamed for your mistreatment.

We will not cater to you, tiptoe around you or deal with your mood swings.

We will not allow you to make us feel inferior.

 

We are good enough.

 

We will no longer see ourselves through your eyes.

 

We will no longer see ourselves through your eyes.

 

We will no longer see ourselves through your eyes.

 

Signed,

Jesse, Will and Jenny

 

 

*Survivors,

You may be thinking that by now we would have successfully moved on.  Just yesterday I heard myself coaching Will on what not to say to his father over the phone.  After almost seven years, I still fall into the trap of protecting the narcissist.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
27
Nov 12

When Kindred Spirits Have Coffee

“I can’t believe we haven’t really talked since before we were both married.”

“… and divorced.”

“Yeah.  That, too.  So how are you doing with it all…  the being divorced?”

“Well, I’m sleeping.  I’m eating.  My stomach doesn’t hurt all the time.  I’m not afraid to get out of bed in the morning.  How are you feeling?”

“Same for me.  I’m not waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks.  For the first time since…  oh….  probably when I was newly married, I look forward to things.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Stories — 5 Comments
16
Nov 12

When Your Best Friend is a Narcissist

Best friends have tea together.Guest Post by Anonymous

 

At the age of 12, she didn’t know why she cared so much about her friend, the one who was a notorious mean girl.  The one who played the games that mean girls do…  She didn’t understand why that friend mattered so much to her, even more than those she had known forever, even more than the ones who had proven themselves to be kind, caring girls….

She didn’t understand until nearly a quarter of a century later why that person seemed “right” – seemed familiar….  In the two years before she ended the friendship with her narcissistic friend, she often questioned herself, “Why do I even care so much about someone I don’t respect, someone that has hurt me so many times?”

She didn’t put two and two together, that the friend who called her names and ignored her, was a lot like her dad, who shamed her and ignored her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 Comments
24
Oct 12

They Have Narcissism Radar

“Hercules was a big strong guy with long wavy hair.  Personally, I think he was a narcissist.” (The answer to one of her worksheet questions on Greek and Roman Mythology.)

“Mom, I’m positive Marie Antoinette was a narcissist – look at this picture.  She ordered a special palace to be built, just for her.”

“Who did Napoleon think he was, anyway?”

While watching the Grammys: “Mom, do you notice that it’s not about the music, it’s all about what they look like?  Do you have to be a narcissist to make it in music?”

 

They See Narcissism Everywhere

“Mom, do you figure only narcissists drive Escalades.  That name just sounds narcissistic.”

“Male lions have to be narcissists, why else do they sit around preening and expecting everyone to adore them?”

“Mom, don’t you think irises are narcissists?  Just look at ’em.  They stand up taller than the other flowers and then they die fast if they are neglected.”

“Mom, I love peacocks, but they act like narcissists.”

 

“Mom, you know all the Disney Princesses are narcissists, right?  Cinderella is the worst.  She’s always standing in front of the other princesses fanning out her dress to hide the dresses of the other princesses.”  (You can’t make this stuff up.)

“Mom, do you think Tiger Woods is a narcissist?  Why else would he act that way on the course and treat his wife the way he did?”

 

Even cakes can be narcissists.  “Does that cake really need that much frosting and decorating?  It’s screaming for attention.  It has to be a narcissistic cake.”

“Mom, you can tell from the outside of a building, if a store caters to narcissists.”

 

When it comes to the necessary tools for surviving narcissism, their narcissism radar may be the most effective.

 

 

 

 

 

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