“What do I have to do to be good enough so dad will love me?” “How come I have such a bad dad?” “My life won’t be good without a good dad.” And to that I said, “Honey, do I have a bad life? How am I doing? I have a pretty darned good life, don’t I?” And through alligator tears Jenny said, “It’s just not fair. When are you going to get us a real dad?” I wanted to say, “Well it’s not like I can put a post on Craig’s List saying, “Need one great dad for two amazing little people. Must like listening, Barbies, joke telling, card trick teaching, golfing, fishing, bow hunting, skiing and relating. Don’t need husband. Narcissists need not apply.” Continue reading →
You Might Be a Narcissist If ...
27
May 10
Beauty Through the Act of Loving
Yesterday’s post was about beauty and insecurity and denying who I am. It was a difficult post to write. I’m not even sure where it came from. Getting that necklace in the mail was akin to jamming a stick of dynamite in a dam that I didn’t even know existed. Feelings, emotions and tears started flowing, and they weren’t going to stop. Apparently, they haven’t stopped yet. I’m not done with the topic, and I’m convinced that this flood is sending me further down the path that I’m supposed to be on. The tidal wave of emotions is pushing me faster, and I’m not afraid. In fact, I can’t wait to see how far it takes me. This is another exercise in authenticity and speaking truth. Both of those expressions are over-used. But if we set out in search of those things, with integrity, the pursuit of authenticity and truth gets us closer to who we are meant to be. Continue reading →
26
May 10
Beauty, Insecurity and Denial of the Feminine
I can’t remember if I ever thought I was pretty. I have a vague recollection that I felt beautiful, for the first time, when I held my newborn babies. And of course, I was probably swollen, blotchy, sweaty and exhausted. But I felt beautiful. Continue reading →
25
May 10
Narcissism and Lip Service
Wikipedia defines lip service as an idiom meaning giving ‘approval or support..insincerely’. Lip service is not the sole domain of narcissists. We all give things lip service. “I’d love to meet you for lunch.” “Love that new haircut.” “Of course, those pants don’t make your butt look big.” “Your new boyfriend is very charming.” Continue reading →
5
May 10
Hiking in Narcissism Country
It’s a bad idea to walk through rattlesnake habitat in flip flops. It isn’t advisable to hike through grizzly territory with bacon tucked in your back pocket. Children should never be left unattended in mountain lion country. Continue reading →
4
May 10
Update on the Counseling Process
We haven’t heard a word from Mark.
The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal. We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with. Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently. The kids say, “Absolutely Not.” We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark. We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all. Continue reading →
29
Apr 10
Approaching Full-Circle
“So it’s pretty obvious that you didn’t try to coach your kids before you came in today.” That’s what the counselor first said, when I walked into her office after she’d met first, with Will, and then with Jenny. I explained that I thought it was better/healthier to not over-talk this appointment. (You probably didn’t know I could not over-talk something.) I had explained to them that they would be very comfortable talking to her. They didn’t need to worry about me or their dad hearing what they said. They could complain about me, too, if they so felt. There were no right or wrong answers. And this was a great way for them to get some stuff off their chests. Continue reading →
27
Apr 10
Being Heard
It feels like complete acceptance, total respect, absolute acknowledgment and warmth all wrapped into one big bear hug. It’s not the first time I’ve been heard. I have amazing family and friends who have supported me and believed me about NPD and it’s effects on my family. Even so, there was always a glimmer of doubt that perhaps I had been clinging so desperately to the belief that my ex was a narcissist, in a vain attempt at making sense of a messed up marriage. Continue reading →
26
Apr 10
Kismet
Just a brief update because my head is in the clouds and I can’t articulate well, right now.
It went so damn well that I don’t know where to begin. Continue reading →
26
Apr 10
Transitive Property
Dang. It’s hard to type through tears. Happy tears, that is.
My notes are ready. I’m drinking hot water instead of my usual coffee. No point in making myself any more jittery. I’m reminding myself to take deep breaths. Mother nature cooperated by bringing us a big beautiful sunny sky. I feel brave and strong and even a little excited. Weird. Continue reading →
