Survivor Support « Surviving Narcissism

Survivor Support

Why Is The Narcissist Being Nice?

“Why is the narcissist being nice?”

Every month, people land on this blog with that search question.

Think of the narcissist as if he went about setting a mouse trap. You are the mouse.

Nice is giving the mouse a plump piece of cheddar cheese, all the while knowing that the goal is to catch/kill the mouse. The mouse can’t help herself. She loves the treat. No matter how many times she sees sharp cheddar on that wooden plate, she forgets that the plate is a trap. Once in awhile, she’s savvy enough to get the cheese off the plate, without getting caught. We all know, though, that the mouse isn’t always that lucky.

The narcissist is setting a trap when he is being nice. He hopes you will forget that he’s setting a trap. The cheese might be diamonds or dinners or promises of good behavior. He might set the trap with organic peanut butter, just to change things up a bit, but he’s still setting a trap. Continue reading →

Moving On / Survivor Support — 16 Comments
5
Sep 16

When An HSP Goes No Contact

When an HSP goes No Contact, it will take some time for calm to seep back in to daily life. Many things that had been a struggle – things that didn’t need to be – become easy again.

Once you’ve gone No Contact, the first time you go to a restaurant, you’ll relax with the realization that you won’t feel the need to catch the waiter’s eye to express a silent apology for the inexcusable way he was treated. Remember how you would wince when the wait staff approached the table? Would your dinner date be friendly, or dismissive? Would she talk down to the waiter, or would he flirt with the waitress?

Even for an HSP, going out in public will be easier now that you don’t have to try to anticipate your partner’s mood.

Pins and needles will find their rightful places in craft projects. You won’t be walking on them any more. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Survivor Support — 6 Comments
10
May 16

That’s Not Love

I woke with a familiar, 40-year-old heartache. I pulled on my robe while heading up to make coffee. With each step, the strong voice in my head chanted, “That’s not love.”

In the dream, it was my birthday. He carefully, and in great deal, explained the gifts he’d purchased. He discussed the lengths he’d gone to in order to find the perfect items. He talked of how he’d spent so much energy tracking down these ideal presents. “Aren’t they beautiful? Do you like how I put this together? I found the perfect gifts, didn’t I?” I reached out to touch the smooth fabric and he said, “Oh, no. These aren’t for you.” I woke with a racing heart and a need to vomit.

The 12 year old deep down inside wanted to scream, “Hey! That’s not right. What about me?”

Fifty-something me knows the futility of trying to explain to one who lacks empathy. It’s equally tiresome to either point out that something hurts feelings, or to pretend that feelings aren’t hurt. I could say, “Hey, that hurts my feelings,” only to be told that it’s not all about me; that he has every right to buy what he wants for whomever he wants, say whatever he likes or do as he pleases.

And the 12 year old with tears welling up in her eyes thinks, “Next year, I’ll be nicer. Next year, he’ll do nice things for me. I’ll be different. I’ll be better.” Continue reading →

Survivor Support — 8 Comments
30
Mar 16

Nina

A sweet, bright light went out today.

Dearest Nina,

You blessed our lives in ways unimaginable. If we are thriving and happy it’s due in so many ways to your patient, enduring love.

We will never forget you. Continue reading →

Seeing My Path / Survivor Support — Comments Off
17
Mar 16

Taking Yourself By The Hand

This isn’t a plug for my book. (It should be obvious to you, by now, that I suck at self-promotion.) This post comes from an observation that I’m not as evolved as Seeing My Path indicated. I ended that book by saying that I acknowledged myself, that I truly saw myself, and that I liked what I saw.

That wasn’t enough.

It’s not possible to make that declaration and simply move on, just as it’s not possible to plant Early Girl tomatoes, say a few nurturing words, and ignore them until the shiny red globes scream to be picked. Without regular attention, those fruits will be cracked and split and assaulted by aphids.

I can’t say to myself, “Yep, you’ve been through the ringer, but you came out swinging and I like you for that!” and assume my job is done. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Stories / Survivor Support / The Bartender / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
7
Mar 16

A Narcissism Litmus Test

“Hey, Sandy! How are things? I haven’t seen you in awhile. Have you met Anne? She’s our new backup bartender. You’re going to like her.”

“Hello, Anne. Nice to meet you.” Sandy laughed and pointed at Hank. “I bet you get a real education working with this guy.”

Anne shook Sandy’s hand and said, “You know, I’ve tended other bars, and thought I’d heard it all, but Hank definitely has some new stories.”

Hank laughed, “Who, me? What can I get ya, Sandy?”

“I’m going to pretend that it’s warm enough for a gin and tonic.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Survivor Support — 8 Comments
29
Feb 16

If You Know a Child of a Narcissist

There’s a good chance you know a child of a narcissist.

This post is written for you if your friend or loved-one or relative is suffering – or has suffered – at the hands of a narcissist.

Your heart aches for her. You want to make things better for him. You want to ease their pain, even if just for a moment.

You can’t make it all go away. You can’t love them enough to make up for what their parent couldn’t or wouldn’t do. You can’t swoop in and be the caretaker they have always longed for.

You can acknowledge their hurts. You can listen and believe them when they explain who their parent was/is. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Quotes / Stories / Survivor Support — 6 Comments
14
Oct 14

The Difference Between Can’t and Won’t

Guest Post by Jenn

Way back in May of this year I was dealing with issues stemming from the sideline Narcissist in my life. I call her a sideline Narcissist because she doesn’t live in my home, or in my town, but she very much influences my life because she raised my husband. Thank the Gods he managed to survive his childhood and now we have our own little darlings, who are also influenced by the sideline Narcissist. But I digress.

Back to the issue the sideline Narcissist was inconveniently causing back in May. After I had sent out an email to extended family members letting them know that we wouldn’t be traveling to Kentucky as we normally do, the husband received an email from his mother. She stated she would like the kids for two weeks in July and then again for another two weeks in August – at her house, which is ten hours away from where we live. The big problem here is that my MIL cannot physically handle the rigors of caring for two very active young boys plus their sister for more than a few days. She wanted them for two weeks at a time. Cue the drama where the sideline Narcissist does a happy dance.

So the husband and I actually agree that his mother cannot have the kids for two weeks. Then we even go so far as to agree that he should go with the kids for their one-week visit. We then agreed that he would talk to his mother about why she couldn’t have the kids by herself. And that’s where all the happy dancing on my end stopped because although the husband said he would talk to her, in reality it wasn’t happening. I even gave him a date to have it done by, since he’s horrible at procrastinating. That date came and he hadn’t had the TALK.

We were in July now, and I was angry – grinding my teeth and harrowing-in-my-gut angry – when I saw him. Because what I saw was that he wouldn’t talk to his mother even though it was in his kids’ best interests. He didn’t want me talking to the sideline Narcissist about this problem because I was “too aggressive” – in his words. Whereas what I saw was that he was entirely too passive. So I sat in my anger and I felt my body drawing in around me, and at some point I got tired of the anger. It takes a lot of energy to maintain that kind of anger and I didn’t want to do it anymore. So I pulled myself aside and had a chat. The fancy schmancy counseling degree I have teaches you certain skills. So I asked myself what I would do with some random dude off the street who walked in and had an angry wife and a mother he couldn’t talk to. And that’s when it hit me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Survivor Support — 18 Comments
8
Aug 14

Random Thoughts at the Five Year Mark

wow.

This blog is five years old.

wow.

Things have changed a lot in five years. We not only survive, but we thrive on a mostly daily basis. The health of my kids (and myself!) is testament to the power of connection, the awesomeness of being heard, the cathartic healing found in knowledge and the magic of friendship. Continue reading →

Guest Posts / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Survivor Support — 4 Comments
21
Jul 14

A Beginning

Six months on the other side of divorce, this Thriver has fought the good fight, and now she’s ready to see what’s next. She’s optimistic about whatever the future may hold. She knows it’s going to be tough to go it alone again, especially while raising a child, but she’s open to possibility and the opportunity to try again.

Maybe… maybe a new beginning.

Guest Post by Anonymous

A Beginning Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path / Survivor Support / Words Got Her Home — 4 Comments
1
Jul 14

Whew!

Whew! Mercury goes direct today.

For those of you who don’t believe in such things, I’m here to tell you that it would be good to prepare yourself before the next Mercury in Retrograde.

My track record is spotty with surviving retrograde. This is the first with Will having his driver’s license. I held my breath for three weeks and we skated through without incident. We did have transportation issues when it came to who had the keys. That’s probably more a function of two drivers in a family with only one car. Can’t blame that one on Mercury.

Will did have a ton of computer issues with his brand new laptop. He seems to think it’s getting better. We shall see. Will might be the first to tell you that those transportation issues also apply to rafts on creeks. (Not letting him on a raft in a Retrograde. Ever again.)

Jenny kept her head down, but was quite distressed by some communication issues with her dad – more so than she has been in the recent past. She blamed that on Mercury and her dad. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Survivor Support — Comments Off
30
Dec 13

A Wish for You

My wish for you is that you discover
a graceful way to get your needs met
and your feelings acknowledged
in this bright new year.

Love,
Jesse

Child of Narcissist / Guest Posts / Parenting / Survivor Support — 3 Comments
29
May 13

The Sweet and the Sour

Guest Post by Zaira

“And that’s why I hate my dad…” is what I heard after I explained what happened in mediation yesterday.

I can’t hide it.

I can’t shield him from the sour truth of his dad’s greed, ruthlessness, and revenge.

There will be items obviously missing from the home. I can explain why I agreed to give him these things that disrupt our space. I can look to the sweetness and say we can save for new things and bit by bit have our own way. But, I can’t explain WHY his dad is the way he is. I can talk about NPD. I can talk about his childhood and how it contributed to this disorder. But I can’t explain WHY he doesn’t get it.

WHY does he need our things when he has his own?

“He has three wine racks, why does he need one more?”

WHY doesn’t he see that the stuff he gains will ruin him in the eyes of his son.

“And that’s why I hate my dad…”

We looked at each other and without words understood the struggle.

We have to accept that we are the sweet and he is the sour.

Moving On / Seeing My Path / Survivor Support / Tools / Words Got Her Home — 4 Comments
1
Mar 13

Help In The Night

She wanted to switch on the light, but she didn’t dare wake him. On those sleepless nights, if the moon wasn’t too bright, she could see stars through the skylights above their bed. Maybe one day, when she was free to pursue her own interests, she’d learn the constellations – Cassiopeia, Orion and the others. The names made her think of possibility.

Possibility was what she needed to believe in right now.

Was it possible to feel good again?

Was it possible to create a healthier life – better than this life full of fears and disappointments and anger?

She gently turned back the covers and stepped out of bed. She had tiptoed down the stairs enough times in the dark to feel her way down without bumping into anything. Once downstairs, she could turn on a light, slide out the drawer in the office desk, and reach into the back for a small, innocent-looking spiral notepad. The pages were worn. The pad was almost full. She had turned down corners on pages that held the notes that touched her most deeply. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Survivor Support / Tools — Comments Off
24
Jan 13